Fernbrook Resort Freelton: The Mystery of the Stolen Fire
Ring – Solved?
A recent Fernbrook Resort Information & News Facebook post discussed the theft of a fire ring. Following is a recreation of what may have happened.
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| "Why buy or rent when you can steal?" suggested Lumpy Rutherford |
“I sure wish that I had my own fire ring,”
exclaimed Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s infamous Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford.
“Say,” replied Lumpy’s increasingly lumpy
gal pal the red-haired Vaginasaurus Rex or V-Rex, “I know where we can get a
fire ring for free. And by free I mean it won’t cost us anything because it
belongs to someone else who already bought and paid for it.”
“And where would that be”? asked a
noticeably excited sheriff. Excited because he enjoyed costing other people
money.
“By the park pavilion is nice fire ring,”
growled the ferocious V-Rex of a girl. “But if we took it for own we could say
it is a belle fire ring! Because I am a belle,” she said while running her hand
through her hair.
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| "GROWL," growled the Vaginasaurus Rex |
“Excellent, excellent,” chirped Lumpy
proudly. “Let’s go get it right now because I want a fire ring right this
instant. I can’t stand pat any longer. Having no fire ring. We have to get it
right now! People without fire rings aren’t cool. And stealing this means we
will have a fire ring which automatically makes us cool. And at no ancillary
costs to us!”
“Let’s do it then,” agreed the red-haired
Vaginasaurus, “because we’re the only ones in the park who can’t stand pat.
Everyone else thinks pat is great!”
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| Is this when the fire ring was stolen? |
And so that’s what Lumpy Rutherford and his Vaginasaurus Rex
of a girlfriend did. Under cover of darkness they crept over to Fernbrook
Resort’s much celebrated Park Pavilion and stole the fire ring. Because they
were too cheap to purchase their own. And because they were a pair of spineless
cowards who couldn’t stand pat. Though everyone else thought pat was just fine
and dandy.
“Tomorrow let’s have a fire,” Lumpy
announced. “All our friends can come,” he said, “both of them.”
“Oh that sounds like an excellent idea,”
agreed the red-headed V-Rex, “Does a stuffed dog wearing a banana suit count as
a friend? ‘Cause then we would have three friends.”
“Mmmmmm,” sheriff Lumpy mused sadly, “I hate
to tell you this but I was counting that as a friend. A close friend. Who I
like a lot. A real lot. Do you ever think you might want to dress in a dog
costume when I’m feeling amorous?”
“Do I? I think about it all the time,” replied
V-Rex enthusiastically. “And perhaps you could dress like Carmen Miranda?” she
added tentatively.
“I do have a Carmen Miranda costume,” said
Lumpy. “I like to put it on and walk around the house when no one else can see
me. It makes me feel more sheriff-y.”
“Do the bananas in the cornucopia cap make
you jealous? Because I really like bananas. I honestly haven’t seen any sort of
banana since I quit doing late night adult features,” she sighed sadly.
“It’s not my fault, it’s your fault,”
Sheriff Lumpy screamed at V-Rex. “If you would dye your hair blonde my
pint-sized gherkin might get some dill in it. I can’t stand gingers. They creep
me out!”
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| I would never dye for red hair! |
That is where this story ends. The mystery
of the stolen fire ring solved. For once and for all. For the stolen fire ring
rests behind the parking tent on the property of Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford. And
his vicious red haired lump of a Vaginasaurus Rex. Who when they saw the fire
ring stole it because they couldn’t stand pat. Though everyone else could.
? (Question mark)
