Fernbrook Resort Freelton: The Mystery of the Stolen Fire Ring – Solved?

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: The Mystery of the Stolen Fire Ring – Solved?

A recent Fernbrook Resort Information & News Facebook post discussed the theft of a fire ring. Following is a recreation of what may have happened. 

"Why buy or rent when you can steal?" suggested Lumpy Rutherford

“I sure wish that I had my own fire ring,” exclaimed Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s infamous Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford.

“Say,” replied Lumpy’s increasingly lumpy gal pal the red-haired Vaginasaurus Rex or V-Rex, “I know where we can get a fire ring for free. And by free I mean it won’t cost us anything because it belongs to someone else who already bought and paid for it.”

“And where would that be”? asked a noticeably excited sheriff. Excited because he enjoyed costing other people money.

“By the park pavilion is nice fire ring,” growled the ferocious V-Rex of a girl. “But if we took it for own we could say it is a belle fire ring! Because I am a belle,” she said while running her hand through her hair. 

"GROWL," growled the Vaginasaurus Rex

“Excellent, excellent,” chirped Lumpy proudly. “Let’s go get it right now because I want a fire ring right this instant. I can’t stand pat any longer. Having no fire ring. We have to get it right now! People without fire rings aren’t cool. And stealing this means we will have a fire ring which automatically makes us cool. And at no ancillary costs to us!”

“Let’s do it then,” agreed the red-haired Vaginasaurus, “because we’re the only ones in the park who can’t stand pat. Everyone else thinks pat is great!”

Is this when the fire ring was stolen?

And so that’s what Lumpy Rutherford and his Vaginasaurus Rex of a girlfriend did. Under cover of darkness they crept over to Fernbrook Resort’s much celebrated Park Pavilion and stole the fire ring. Because they were too cheap to purchase their own. And because they were a pair of spineless cowards who couldn’t stand pat. Though everyone else thought pat was just fine and dandy.

“Tomorrow let’s have a fire,” Lumpy announced. “All our friends can come,” he said, “both of them.”

“Oh that sounds like an excellent idea,” agreed the red-headed V-Rex, “Does a stuffed dog wearing a banana suit count as a friend? ‘Cause then we would have three friends.”

“Mmmmmm,” sheriff Lumpy mused sadly, “I hate to tell you this but I was counting that as a friend. A close friend. Who I like a lot. A real lot. Do you ever think you might want to dress in a dog costume when I’m feeling amorous?”

“Do I? I think about it all the time,” replied V-Rex enthusiastically. “And perhaps you could dress like Carmen Miranda?” she added tentatively.

“I do have a Carmen Miranda costume,” said Lumpy. “I like to put it on and walk around the house when no one else can see me. It makes me feel more sheriff-y.”

“Do the bananas in the cornucopia cap make you jealous? Because I really like bananas. I honestly haven’t seen any sort of banana since I quit doing late night adult features,” she sighed sadly.

“It’s not my fault, it’s your fault,” Sheriff Lumpy screamed at V-Rex. “If you would dye your hair blonde my pint-sized gherkin might get some dill in it. I can’t stand gingers. They creep me out!”

I would never dye for red hair!

That is where this story ends. The mystery of the stolen fire ring solved. For once and for all. For the stolen fire ring rests behind the parking tent on the property of Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford. And his vicious red haired lump of a Vaginasaurus Rex. Who when they saw the fire ring stole it because they couldn’t stand pat. Though everyone else could.

? (Question mark)

   

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: “It’s Not Wrong Give our Neighbor’s Car a Golden Shower!”

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: “It’s Not Wrong Give our Neighbor’s Car a Golden Shower!”

"Does anyone see a good vehicle?" Sheriff Rutherford asked his companions.

Recently we learned that Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s beloved Sheriff, Lumpy Rutherford, admitted to travelling all the way to neighboring London to urinate on a passenger car door handle.

So impressed were we with his candor that we decided to speak with Lumpy’s mom and get her take on her Sheriff/son’s behavior.

Lumpy Rutherford's proud mommy?

“I’m not surprised,” said Mrs. Rutherford, “Lumpy has always had an extremely overactive bladder. As a child he actually made his own waterbed. Every single night. Well… we told him it was water. But it wasn’t really. If you know what I mean,” she sighed sadly.

Continuing on Mrs. Rutherford added, “As a child he would urinate all over his toy cars. He would creep out late at night and relieve himself on our neighbor’s vehicles. And whenever we passed a car lot, new or used, he would get so excited that he was unable to control himself. It wasn’t until his early twenties that he could exercise any semblance of self control and we could wean him off adult diapers and put him in ‘Big Boy’ pants.”

“Then there was the day he became a real fake police officer. We were so proud of him. Solving that crime about the doughnut holes. We really thought he was starting to grow up. To mature. But, unfortunately, he was still unable to control his bladder,” she remarked sadly, “he was caught urinating all over police cars and vans as well as private citizens who stopped by the station.”

Lumpy Rutherford's personal call sign?

“Finally, after 18 years, Lumpy left the police by mutual agreement, they agreed not to press charges and he agreed to forgo a pension. Eventually he ended up in Fernbrook Resort. Where he was named Sheriff. But even that didn’t cure his predilection for urinating on people’s cars. As London found out. But I am proud of my son. Because legally speaking he is my son. So I have to be proud of his behavior. Even though it reflects on my poor parenting skills… and my overall failure to raise a child to adulthood. People who know my son consider him to be a complete and utter Tomfool… and I can’t argue against him acting like a fool or being a Tom.” 

"I would dye for a golden shower from Lumpy"

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Publicly Caught with Pants Down

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Publicly Caught with Pants Down

Say it ain't so Lumpy!

Late last night it was learned that Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s famous Sheriff, Lumpy Rutherford, was accused of being in a public place with his pants down. And what was our respected Sheriff allegedly doing with his pants down in public? It was alleged to us that he was urinating on the door handle of a car. In public.

Is this allegation true?

Though we have witnesses to this alleged tomfool act we decided instead to talk to Sheriff Rutherford to get the final word. And the Sheriff’s final word was? “Yes.”

Surprised by both his candor and his honesty, two traits we have not previously witnessed in our Sheriff, we pressed him for details.

“Well,” said the mildly obese Sheriff who smells like fried bacon, “I thought we had a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ policy here in Fernbrook when it came to the many crimes I’ve committed here in the Resort. But since you’ve asked, instead of telling you, I’ll brag about it. Because bragging not’s telling. And also because I can commit whatever crimes I want here in Fernbrook and no one will ever speak up to stop me. NO ONE!”

Not the actual door handle - picture changed to protect the infringed upon.

Continued the Sheriff: “Fernbrookians might be worried that I released a stream of hot salty urine on their car door handle but don’t worry, I went all the way over to London to piss on a passenger car door handle. London,” Sheriff Rutherford confirmed.

“Now some people may be wondering what on earth would possess me to piss on someone’s car door handle and the answer is simple – it’s how us superior beings publicly demonstrate our personal superiority over all the rest of Fernbrook’s residents. I am better than all of you,” purred the Sheriff proudly.

London Prior to the Stinky Stream of Urine  

“Best of all it’s a perfectly sane and rational act. After all isn’t that how animals mark their territory? With streams of pungent urine? So with my almost cat-like IQ it makes perfect sense for me to do it. But I don’t just piss on car door handles I also like to leave human feces in my kitchen cupboard. If you don’t believe me you can ask my old landlord. I left several deposits for him to find. But for the moment I would prefer to stick to the topic at hand – pissing on car door handles of London.”

"My urine doesn't stink," claims Sheriff Rutherford 

Actually I think that we’ve heard quite enough.

“But I’m not done,” said the Sheriff, “I’ve pissed on other things – “   

More than enough actually.                    

“HEY,” shouted Sheriff Rutherford as we backed slowly away, “What kind of car do you drive? WHAT KIND OF CAR? Come back here… Don’t you run away from me! Hey! HEY!”

As we ran away we couldn’t resist a look back, however, and saw our benighted Sheriff Rutherford fumbling with his belt buckle.    

"I would dye for Sheriff Rutherford!"

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Accused of Harassment & Bullying

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Accused of Harassment & Bullying

This year several accusations of harassment, bullying and generally vexatious behavior were leveled against Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Fernbrook Resort’s leading lawman. The allegations were made when a certain mathematical correlation was computed. Whenever Lumpy takes a winter vacation the harassment, bullying, trespassing, vandalism and the like completely abate. Abate until his return, When such behaviors begin anew. We reached out to Sheriff Rutherford to get his side of the story.

“It’s true,” admitted the Sheriff, “but I have thought up several excuses to prove why there is a sudden downtrend in Fernbrook Resort’s crime statistics whenever I’m not around to commit a crime.”

“For starters,” continued the Sheriff, “this year my girl fiend, the infamous female bully the ‘Red-headed Vaginasaurus Rex’ and I went on a trip to Mexico. During our absence there was no crime in Fernbrook. And we can explain why that was. The criminals were in Mexico.”

Thank you Mexico for that brief respite!

“Ummmm… so you were in Mexico… and the criminals were in Mexico… but you aren’t the one harassing and bullying Fernbrook’s residents?”

“Exactly,” agreed the Sheriff, “the criminals must have followed us there and then followed us back when we returned. And started committing crimes again. To make me look guilty. Because those criminal people are super dupery smart.”   

“Huh!?! At best that sounds like specious reasoning.”

“I don’t know what words like reasoning or specious mean… but it sounds like you don’t believe me. So I made up other excuses just to be supery dupery safe. As a policing person I know more about the law than anyone. And the law says that if you don’t like someone than you’re allowed to bully and harass them and it’s not against the law. In fact it means that you’re really cool.”

“So you admit then that you’re harassing residents of Fernbrook Resort?”

“You’re making it sound like a crime.”

“Because harassment… trespassing, bullying… there all crimes. And as a pretend Sheriff who was a fake cop for almost 18 years you should know better.

“Well, I don’t know better,” nodded Sheriff Rutherford, “and not only that you don’t either because if you did know better you would remember that I just made up a new super duper special law that harassment isn’t a crime if you don’t like the victim.”

“It sounds like you’re caught up in semantics.”  

"I never realized my brain was so big!," remarked Lumpy

“If you keep using big words that I don’t understand than I’m going to have to arrest you!”

“CAT.”

“That’s it… you’re under arrest.”

“Aren’t you the same Lumpy Rutherford who donated his brain to science and now they’re using it as a doorstop in their science cafeteria.”

“That’s IT! Now you’re under super duper arrest!!!”

 

"I'm a dyed in the wool Lumpy Rutherford fan!"

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Loses Lawsuit, Donates ‘Brain’ to Science

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Loses Lawsuit, Donates ‘Brain’ to Science

"I honestly thought I was smarter than a cat!" declared Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford.

After several acrimonious legal meetings that ran late into the night Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s famous Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford finally capitulated. No doubt you’ll recall that our Sheriff Rutherford was being sued by Fernbrook’s powerful Feline Population after claiming to be as smart as a cat. On the advice of his legal team, Sheriff Lumpy has finally agreed to publicly admit that he spoke in error. That, in fact, he is not as smart as a cat.

“It’s true,” admitted Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford, “I am not as smart as a cat. But that doesn’t mean that I’m dumb. On the contrary. It means that Fernbrook’s cat population is just incredibly smart. And if cats are smarter than me then there can be no doubt that they are smarter than everyone else… even that red-headed terror the vicious Vaginasaurus Rex.”

“And when did you come to the realization that Fernbrook’s cats are smarter than yourself?”

Does anyone know how to work this darn thing?

“Well, I couldn’t sleep as a result of Princess Pea’s incessant door slamming. So I got up to watch some TV. There was this movie on that showed a cat flushing a toilet. That one with Robert De Niro. And that’s when the truth hit home. Because I have trouble working that complicated toilet mechanism. Sometimes I even forget to lift the lid and boy oh boy does that ever make V-Rex growl. But the cat could do everything so easily…” Sheriff Lumpy trailed off. “That’s when I knew I had to admit that I was wrong.”

But that wasn’t all that Sheriff Rutherford had to say.

 

Cafeteria's new doorstop under 12X magnification

“As part of the settlement the King of the Cats, Mittens Cuddlekin, insisted that I immediately donate my brain to science. As I don’t appear to be making much use of it. Which I quickly agreed to. It took me a while to find someone who needed a special brain like mine. I went to all these science places and talked to the science people and finally I found one who could make use of it. I guess the door of their science cafeteria needs help remaining open and a brain with my unusual degree of intelligence is exactly what they need to solve the problem. By wedging my brain against the door, kind of like a doorstop, the door will be able to remain constantly open and the science people will be able to walk quickly in and out without having to worry about trying to figure out that complicated door opening thing.”

“You’re… talking about the door’s push bar?”

“I think that’s what they call it. Whatever it is it sure is tricky. I sure hope they don’t put them on toilets… because then only the smart science people would be able to use them.”

     

“I don’t think we have to worry about that.”

“You may not have to worry about it,” finished Sheriff Rutherford, “But when you have a brain as special as mine… these are the kinds of things that you keep you up at night.”       

"Do my drapes match my carpet? No need to ask,  I'll just show you!"

        

 

                      

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sheriff Rutherford Sued By Local Cat Population

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sheriff Rutherford Sued By Local Cat Population

I do consider myself to be as smart as a cat," confirmed Sheriff Lumpy.

Early this morning Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford, Fernbrook Resort’s leading lawman, was served by the leader of the nation’s cat population with a notice that he was being sued as a result of some comments he made where he claimed to be ‘as smart as a cat’.

Look what the cat coughed up!

“When I heard that,” said Mittens Cuddlekin, King of the Resort’s persuasively powerful feline lobby, “I coughed up an extremely large hairball. I could not believe that this dunderheaded sheriff could claim such a thing. As smart as a cat! Really! That statement is completely untrue. Not only is Lumpy Rutherford not as smart as a cat… neither is he is smart as a dog. A mouse. Or even one of those stupid egg laying duckbilled platypus. And that’s saying something. Said statement is defamatory to our individual and our collective intelligence. So I had to sue. But not just to protect the good name of cats… but also to defend the reputation of all the animal kingdom. Because quite honestly I’ve had more intelligent conversations with old rotted boards filled with rusty nails and… and… ”

When asked what in particular had so completely miffed the cat population King Mittens Cuddlekin replied, “Well, for starters, he likes to get women alone and then yell and swear at them and generally intimidate them. No feline would ever verbally assault or bully a primary caregiver. Especially if they have long nails to scratch our backs with.”

“That’s it?”

“Oh, there’s more,” continued King Mittens, “lot’s more. Cats don’t run around in the middle of the night banging on windows or on the sides of homes and then running away. Or make loud thumping noises or… or other stupid childish behaviors. Linking this type of behavior to feline intelligence is diminishing to us… it is completely beyond the pale. We will not stand for this.”

King Mittens Cuddlekin III of Fernbrook Resort

“Has Sheriff Rutherford responded yet?”

“That Tom Fool won’t be able to respond until someone reads it to him. He’s probably still trying to figure out how to open the envelope,” Cuddlekin purred, “Maybe he should borrow his appalling buddy’s tire slashing knife. I sure hope he doesn’t cut himself. NOT!” King Mittens meowed loudly.

“And what do you expect to gain from this legal action?”

A two week old cat litter box.

Replied King Mittens Cuddlekin, “Initially we were hoping for monetary damages… but you can’t get cat food from a stone, so we just want everyone to know that that tom fool Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford is nit now and will not ever be as smart as a cat. As such we are politely requesting of him to cease and desist all such comparisons. He, and all you bipeds, need to understand that it’s not that cats aren’t smart enough to do stupid things it’s that we’re smart enough NOT to do them. In fact we would never even think of doing such things. Cats don’t bull, cats don’t harass and it is common knowledge that a feline never lies. Except in front of a warm toasty fire on a cold day. Essentially we want everyone to know that Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford is completely full of two week old cat litter.”

Fernbrook Resort Freelton – ‘I am too as smart as a cat!” claims Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford

Fernbrook Resort Freelton – ‘I am too as smart as a cat!” claims Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford

"I am too as smart as a kat," claimed Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford

TODAY we have a special message from the Sheriff of Fernbrook Resort, the Exemplary Tomfool, Lumpy Rutherford. And now that message…

“It has come to my attention that some people of Fernbrook Resort,” began Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford, “believe that cats are smarter than me. This is a lie! I am too as smart as a cat… and I can prove it!”

"This Lumpy Rutherford scares me! said Fraidy Cat

“Would a cat lie about being a pretend constable with the Ontario Provincial Police for over eighteen years? NO! And do you know why? It’s because cats aren’t smart enough to lie. But I am. I lie so much that I very often don’t even know what the real truth is. Could a cat say that? NO!”

"This Sheriff makes me feel like puking!" said Tom Cat

“Secondly, some nights I like to sneak around Fernbrook and disturb people by banging on windows or the sides of homes or making loud noises and running away. Do cats ever harass people? NO! Cats aren’t even smart enough to think about harassing people. But not only do I think up ways to harass people I actually harass people.”

“Next, do cats ever yell and swear and intimidate the women of Fernbrook Resort? NO! But I do. Sometimes when I catch a woman alone I will yell and swear at her. But not just in Fernbrook Resort but also on Concession 12 East. Recently I stopped a female Fernbrook resident on the 12^th Concession and swore at her and told her how stupid she was because she didn’t have her paperwork for the lawsuit handed in. Would a cat do that? NO! A cat isn’t even smart enough to mess up a lawsuit suing Fernbrook Resort like I have.”

 

"There is no way this Sheriff is as smart as me!!"

“Finally, my gal pal the red-headed Vaginasaurus Rex and I, boss people around. And they follow our orders! Anyone who does not do exactly what we tell them to do or think exactly what we tell them to think is not allowed to be our friend. Would a cat act like that? NO! A cat will be a friend with just about anybody. Which shows exactly how dumb a cat can be. But not us! To be our friend you have to be a mindless puppet who has no spine and who is unable to think for themselves. Not only that, you have to have low morals and no conscience. Not very many people at Fernbrook Resort fit that description but the very few people here that do... those are the people we allow to be our FRIEND.”

“So, in conclusion, I think that I have used my superior logicalness skills to prove that I am as smart as any cat in Fernbrook. And probably cats in Puslinch too! And Waterdown. And one day I hope to be as smart as the cats of Millgrove.One day.”

AND don't forget to buy my book!

-------------

          

There you have it, the Exemplary Tomfool of Fernbrook Resort Freelton, Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford, has proved to his own satisfaction that he may in fact be every bit as smart as a cat. 

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Who is Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford?

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Who is Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford?

A shocked Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford

After the shock of learning that an election for a Sheriff had been held the residents of Fernbrook Resort began asking questions. Questions such as: What time is lunch? Has anyone seen my cat? Is it lunchtime yet? And the obvious question: What’s for lunch. And before aspersions start being cast the cat was found. And it wasn’t on the lunch menu. And after a nice lunch of mystery meat the real questions began pouring forth. And not just questions about supper. Now it was questions about the new sheriff. Who is Lumpy Rutherford? What sort of meals does he eat? And at what time? Oh, yeah, and what exactly are Lumpy Rutherford’s qualifications for sheriff?

Finally, a question worth answering: What exactly are Lumpy Rutherford’s qualifications for sheriff? So we had a sit down with the sheriff and asked him exactly that, “What exactly are your qualifications to enforce the law in Fernbrook?”

“Well,” answered Sheriff Lumpy, “I know lots of different colors, over 17 different letters of the alphabet, double-you counts as two letters? Right? And I was once employed by the Ontario Provincial Police”

One Letter? Or Two? You decide!

“You were a Police Officer?”

“That is correct,” answered sheriff Lump, “I once was employed by the OPP. I was licensed to use an official police broom. And I also used to operate the breathalyzers 900 and 900A. If I liked you then you weren’t drunk but if I didn’t like you then you were drunk. It was really simple once I got the hang of it.”

“Wait a second what?”

A regulation 'holed' doughnut.

“And I also solved the OPP’s most mysterious case,” the Sheriff bragged, “The Case of the Missing Doughnut Holes. What happened was that the doughnut store place was delivering doughnuts. And one day I was looking at the doughnuts and I noticed something mighty peculiar – some of the doughnuts were missing their holes. I was the only one who noticed. None of the real policemen and women did. So I secretly investigated.”

“You secretly investigated why some doughnuts did not have any holes?”

“For over twelve years,” the newly elected Sheriff boasted. “Before I finally cracked the case. The writing on the doughnut box matched a store sign that I had been driving past for almost 16 years: ‘Tim Horton’s’. And once I figured that’s where the doughnuts were coming from I went to Mr. Tim Horton and I confronted him. ‘Where are the holes to my doughnuts? They’re missing! MISSING!’” I shouted at Mr. Horton. “Then he tried some phony baloney excuse about maple logs and bear claws and cream filled… but I didn’t fall for that. So I yelled more. And louder. That was when they had their security escort me off the premises. They also issued me with a lifetime ban.”

“You’re no longer allowed into that Tim Hortons?”

OMG! There's no hole!

“Most any Tim Hortons?” Sheriff Lumpy corrected me. “And not just in Canada but the United States, Europe or Asia. But I’m still allowed to visit the ones in Africa. And the Antarctic.”

“Well…” we replied, “You must be very proud of yourself.”

“I sure am,” answered Fernbrook’s Sheriff Rutherford, “I ran all the way back to the Police place and told them about the important case I had just solved. After I got my breath back. But they couldn’t believe it. No one could believe it. They just shook their heads in disbelief. None of them even knew that the doughnut holes were missing. That’s when they started looking at me differently. I also got a super secret promotion. After that day I became Super Duper Special Secret Police Agent Officer Fakenews,” he trailed off proudly. “Anytime anyone saw me they would say hey Officer Fakenews find those doughnut holes yet and then they would smile sadly and shake their heads. In fact whenever I said anything they would reply that it was just more Fakenews. They were getting jealous of me. That was also about the time they stopped allowing me to use scissors, letter openers, box cutters or anything with a sharpened edge.”

“So you weren’t actually a real Police Officer.”

“I was too,” shrieked Lumpy, “and in fact I still am. After 18 years they had to pretend to let me go because everyone was jealous of me being the bestest secret Police Man. Officer Fakenews. So I kept it secret so I could doing other secret investigations. Also, legally I’m no longer allowed to be around guns either. Any sharp objects. Or drive without a competent adult in the golf cart with me. And I also have to wear a helmet at all times in case I trip over a shoelace. I sure wish there was some way to tie a shoelace so I wouldn’t keep falling over it.”

“Hey,” we asked, “maybe someone unties your laces when you’re not looking? That could be your first case at Fernbrook: The Mystery of the Untied Shoelace.”        

AND a big broad smile crossed Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford’s slightly porcine appearance.  Stay tuned Fernbrook because it looks like Fakenews is about to hit the fan.    

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Lumpy Rutherford Named Sheriff of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Lumpy Rutherford Named Sheriff of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

 

Elroy Jetson

In an announcement that surprised just about everyone the year round vacation playground of Fernbrook Resort in Freelton elected long time resident and rumoured chief troublemaker Lumpy Rutherford to the once naked nation’s top law enforcement post. Sheriff.

The reason it was such a surprise is that few of the nation’s residents were aware an election was being run. Remarked long time resident Elroy Jetson, “I didn’t even know no election was takin’ place. I thought it was some plumfool joke for February Fools Day! Land O Goshen Chile what is this world coming to?”

“I knew about the election,” volunteered Lumpy’s resident gal pal Ms. Vaginasaurus Rex. Or V-Rex as she likes to be called. “I voted for Lumpy six times. I also voted Gary Coleman twice and one time for that empty blue box at the end of my driveway. Don’t tell Lumpy but I was really hoping the Mr. Blue Box would win.”

'I lost? What you talkin' 'bout,' asked Gary Coleman

But the Resort’s Select Committee Against TomFools (SCAT) was peeved. “We are peeved,” the committee published in a formal announcement. “Everything that is bad about Fernbrook Resort can be traced to the actions of a small group of Tom Fools. And now to elect a fool to catch all those toms, well, it’s like putting a fox in the henhouse. A really stupid fox. A stupid fox who couldn’t find the henhouse door. So you had to show the stupid fox the door. Then open the door for the fox. Push the fox through the door. Close the door after the fox. Latch the door so the fox couldn’t get out. Then nail the door shut so the fox didn’t accidentally get out before finding the hens. And you’d probably have to hang little signs around the necks of the hens so that stupid fox would recognize the hen. And maybe teach the stupid fox to read. But after that… After that… that is exactly what it is like. Exactly. A tom fool fox,” said SCAT in their scathing indictment of the election.

The final election results were tallied as follows:

Lumpy Rutherford – 9 votes

Gary Coleman – 6 votes

Mr. Blue Box – 6 votes

A large moss covered rock with a crack in it – 6 votes

Omar Sharif – 0 votes

Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Of Fernbrook Resort

An initially tearful Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford was relieved when the results were explained to him. “When I saw that Sharif had zero votes for Sheriff I thought I had lost. Because I thought zero votes was more votes than nine votes. And I regretted casting so many votes for Mr. Blue Box instead of more votes for me. But after everyone explained to me how numbers work… then I figured out that I almost won. Then they kept explaining that numbers thing and I finally realized that I did win. By six votes,” said the nation’s math whiz of a Sheriff. “Or something like that. Any number bigger than two scares me so I just close my eyes and hope it goes away.. Oh, and I would also like to congratulate that Mr. Blue Box on the race he ran. Way to go. Oh, and if I ever see you lounging around the end of my driveway again I will shoot you dead. Then, after I shoot you, I will ask you why you keep hanging around the ending of my drive way.”

"Help! HELP!! Police brutality," screamed Mr. Blue Box

Looks like Fernbrook Resort’s upstanding and law abiding element better be careful now that there’s a new sheriff in town.

“Hey, AND It’s not pronounced sher-iff its pronounced sha-rif. SHA-RIF. I’m the new Sha-Rif of Fernbrook,” yelled the new sheriff as we beat a hasty retreat.     

 

Notes: of the Resorts 261 eligible voters only 2 actually cast a ballot for a turnout percentage of less than 1%.