Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Who is Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford?

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Who is Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford?

A shocked Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford

After the shock of learning that an election for a Sheriff had been held the residents of Fernbrook Resort began asking questions. Questions such as: What time is lunch? Has anyone seen my cat? Is it lunchtime yet? And the obvious question: What’s for lunch. And before aspersions start being cast the cat was found. And it wasn’t on the lunch menu. And after a nice lunch of mystery meat the real questions began pouring forth. And not just questions about supper. Now it was questions about the new sheriff. Who is Lumpy Rutherford? What sort of meals does he eat? And at what time? Oh, yeah, and what exactly are Lumpy Rutherford’s qualifications for sheriff?

Finally, a question worth answering: What exactly are Lumpy Rutherford’s qualifications for sheriff? So we had a sit down with the sheriff and asked him exactly that, “What exactly are your qualifications to enforce the law in Fernbrook?”

“Well,” answered Sheriff Lumpy, “I know lots of different colors, over 17 different letters of the alphabet, double-you counts as two letters? Right? And I was once employed by the Ontario Provincial Police”

One Letter? Or Two? You decide!

“You were a Police Officer?”

“That is correct,” answered sheriff Lump, “I once was employed by the OPP. I was licensed to use an official police broom. And I also used to operate the breathalyzers 900 and 900A. If I liked you then you weren’t drunk but if I didn’t like you then you were drunk. It was really simple once I got the hang of it.”

“Wait a second what?”

A regulation 'holed' doughnut.

“And I also solved the OPP’s most mysterious case,” the Sheriff bragged, “The Case of the Missing Doughnut Holes. What happened was that the doughnut store place was delivering doughnuts. And one day I was looking at the doughnuts and I noticed something mighty peculiar – some of the doughnuts were missing their holes. I was the only one who noticed. None of the real policemen and women did. So I secretly investigated.”

“You secretly investigated why some doughnuts did not have any holes?”

“For over twelve years,” the newly elected Sheriff boasted. “Before I finally cracked the case. The writing on the doughnut box matched a store sign that I had been driving past for almost 16 years: ‘Tim Horton’s’. And once I figured that’s where the doughnuts were coming from I went to Mr. Tim Horton and I confronted him. ‘Where are the holes to my doughnuts? They’re missing! MISSING!’” I shouted at Mr. Horton. “Then he tried some phony baloney excuse about maple logs and bear claws and cream filled… but I didn’t fall for that. So I yelled more. And louder. That was when they had their security escort me off the premises. They also issued me with a lifetime ban.”

“You’re no longer allowed into that Tim Hortons?”

OMG! There's no hole!

“Most any Tim Hortons?” Sheriff Lumpy corrected me. “And not just in Canada but the United States, Europe or Asia. But I’m still allowed to visit the ones in Africa. And the Antarctic.”

“Well…” we replied, “You must be very proud of yourself.”

“I sure am,” answered Fernbrook’s Sheriff Rutherford, “I ran all the way back to the Police place and told them about the important case I had just solved. After I got my breath back. But they couldn’t believe it. No one could believe it. They just shook their heads in disbelief. None of them even knew that the doughnut holes were missing. That’s when they started looking at me differently. I also got a super secret promotion. After that day I became Super Duper Special Secret Police Agent Officer Fakenews,” he trailed off proudly. “Anytime anyone saw me they would say hey Officer Fakenews find those doughnut holes yet and then they would smile sadly and shake their heads. In fact whenever I said anything they would reply that it was just more Fakenews. They were getting jealous of me. That was also about the time they stopped allowing me to use scissors, letter openers, box cutters or anything with a sharpened edge.”

“So you weren’t actually a real Police Officer.”

“I was too,” shrieked Lumpy, “and in fact I still am. After 18 years they had to pretend to let me go because everyone was jealous of me being the bestest secret Police Man. Officer Fakenews. So I kept it secret so I could doing other secret investigations. Also, legally I’m no longer allowed to be around guns either. Any sharp objects. Or drive without a competent adult in the golf cart with me. And I also have to wear a helmet at all times in case I trip over a shoelace. I sure wish there was some way to tie a shoelace so I wouldn’t keep falling over it.”

“Hey,” we asked, “maybe someone unties your laces when you’re not looking? That could be your first case at Fernbrook: The Mystery of the Untied Shoelace.”        

AND a big broad smile crossed Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford’s slightly porcine appearance.  Stay tuned Fernbrook because it looks like Fakenews is about to hit the fan.