Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Lumpy Rutherford Named Sheriff of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Lumpy Rutherford Named Sheriff of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

 

Elroy Jetson

In an announcement that surprised just about everyone the year round vacation playground of Fernbrook Resort in Freelton elected long time resident and rumoured chief troublemaker Lumpy Rutherford to the once naked nation’s top law enforcement post. Sheriff.

The reason it was such a surprise is that few of the nation’s residents were aware an election was being run. Remarked long time resident Elroy Jetson, “I didn’t even know no election was takin’ place. I thought it was some plumfool joke for February Fools Day! Land O Goshen Chile what is this world coming to?”

“I knew about the election,” volunteered Lumpy’s resident gal pal Ms. Vaginasaurus Rex. Or V-Rex as she likes to be called. “I voted for Lumpy six times. I also voted Gary Coleman twice and one time for that empty blue box at the end of my driveway. Don’t tell Lumpy but I was really hoping the Mr. Blue Box would win.”

'I lost? What you talkin' 'bout,' asked Gary Coleman

But the Resort’s Select Committee Against TomFools (SCAT) was peeved. “We are peeved,” the committee published in a formal announcement. “Everything that is bad about Fernbrook Resort can be traced to the actions of a small group of Tom Fools. And now to elect a fool to catch all those toms, well, it’s like putting a fox in the henhouse. A really stupid fox. A stupid fox who couldn’t find the henhouse door. So you had to show the stupid fox the door. Then open the door for the fox. Push the fox through the door. Close the door after the fox. Latch the door so the fox couldn’t get out. Then nail the door shut so the fox didn’t accidentally get out before finding the hens. And you’d probably have to hang little signs around the necks of the hens so that stupid fox would recognize the hen. And maybe teach the stupid fox to read. But after that… After that… that is exactly what it is like. Exactly. A tom fool fox,” said SCAT in their scathing indictment of the election.

The final election results were tallied as follows:

Lumpy Rutherford – 9 votes

Gary Coleman – 6 votes

Mr. Blue Box – 6 votes

A large moss covered rock with a crack in it – 6 votes

Omar Sharif – 0 votes

Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Of Fernbrook Resort

An initially tearful Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford was relieved when the results were explained to him. “When I saw that Sharif had zero votes for Sheriff I thought I had lost. Because I thought zero votes was more votes than nine votes. And I regretted casting so many votes for Mr. Blue Box instead of more votes for me. But after everyone explained to me how numbers work… then I figured out that I almost won. Then they kept explaining that numbers thing and I finally realized that I did win. By six votes,” said the nation’s math whiz of a Sheriff. “Or something like that. Any number bigger than two scares me so I just close my eyes and hope it goes away.. Oh, and I would also like to congratulate that Mr. Blue Box on the race he ran. Way to go. Oh, and if I ever see you lounging around the end of my driveway again I will shoot you dead. Then, after I shoot you, I will ask you why you keep hanging around the ending of my drive way.”

"Help! HELP!! Police brutality," screamed Mr. Blue Box

Looks like Fernbrook Resort’s upstanding and law abiding element better be careful now that there’s a new sheriff in town.

“Hey, AND It’s not pronounced sher-iff its pronounced sha-rif. SHA-RIF. I’m the new Sha-Rif of Fernbrook,” yelled the new sheriff as we beat a hasty retreat.     

 

Notes: of the Resorts 261 eligible voters only 2 actually cast a ballot for a turnout percentage of less than 1%.