Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Princess Pea Named to 2020
Olympic Team
In an announcement that surprised no one Fernbrook Resort
Freelton’s Princess Pea was named to the 2020 Canadian Olympic Summer Team. Our
very own little Princess will be participating in the Ladies Freestyle Door
Slamming event.
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| The Princess Phone |
“I always knew that I would make the team,” said Princess
Pea proudly when we reached him by phone, “no one in the whole of Fernbrook can
slam a door like I can. In fact nothing makes me feel more like a spoiled
little Princess than slamming my home or vehicle doors at all hours of the day
and night. Unless it’s banging on my neighbor’s windows and running away. That
makes me feel very princess-y too,” Princess Pea replied as he twisted his hair
with his fingers.
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| The handiwork of a princess! |
When we inquired as to the Princess’ practice regimen he had
this to say: “First thing in the morning, around four to five in the AM, I like
to rip off a couple of really loud slams. Just to let the neighbors know what a
spoiled, self involved and inconsiderate little Princess I am,” he said. “Then
I go to work. When I come home from work I do a few practice slams, down a
couple brewskis, smoke a joint or two, take the pooch for a stroll, work in a
couple more unnecessary door slams and then I pass out on the floor. Oftentimes
in a puddle of my own vomit or urine. Sometimes both.”
“Do you ever worry that your early morning door slamming
might bother your neighbors?” we asked next.
And this is where our interview took an ugly turn.
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| Princess Pea strikes again! |
Shouted the spoiled Princess, “Anyone who complains about me
slamming my doors any time of the day and night is harassing me. And my
family.” He screamed. Then in a slightly lower octave Princess Pea continued,
“Everyone in Fernbrook harasses me and my family. They complain about our door
slamming. They complain about our twelve foot high out of control bonfires.
They complain about our loud music. They complain about our messy lot and they
complain about how we don’t clean up after our pooch. It’s harassment. We’ve
never done any of those things. We just want to live a quiet life and we’ve
been harassed since the day we’ve moved in. in fact we don’t even have any
doors. Anyone who says we do is just harassing us.”
“You don’t have any doors?”
“None. Whatsoever. And anyone who says we do have doors is
delusional.”
“Yes but what about the Olym– “
“Delusional,” the spoiled little Princess interrupted
loudly, “Dee-loooo-shinnn-allll.”
“But!?!”
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| Fernbrook Resort's very own Princess Pea |
“Get off my property,” Princess Pea screamed suddenly,
“You’re harassing me. I’m calling the police.”
“But we’re not even on your property.”
“HELP HELP POLICE POLICE I’M BEING HARASSED I’M BEING
HARASSED HELP HELP,”
“This is a phone interview. We’re not on your property.”
“QUIT USING LOGIC AND THE TRUTH TO PROVE YOUR POINT THAT’S AN
EVEN WORSE HARASSMENT OF ME HELP HELP POLICE POLICE I’M BEING HARASSED I’M
BEING HARASSED,” Princess Pea screamed even louder than before.
<at this point the interview with our spoiled little
Princess Pea was terminated>
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