Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Publicly Caught with Pants Down

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Publicly Caught with Pants Down

Say it ain't so Lumpy!

Late last night it was learned that Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s famous Sheriff, Lumpy Rutherford, was accused of being in a public place with his pants down. And what was our respected Sheriff allegedly doing with his pants down in public? It was alleged to us that he was urinating on the door handle of a car. In public.

Is this allegation true?

Though we have witnesses to this alleged tomfool act we decided instead to talk to Sheriff Rutherford to get the final word. And the Sheriff’s final word was? “Yes.”

Surprised by both his candor and his honesty, two traits we have not previously witnessed in our Sheriff, we pressed him for details.

“Well,” said the mildly obese Sheriff who smells like fried bacon, “I thought we had a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ policy here in Fernbrook when it came to the many crimes I’ve committed here in the Resort. But since you’ve asked, instead of telling you, I’ll brag about it. Because bragging not’s telling. And also because I can commit whatever crimes I want here in Fernbrook and no one will ever speak up to stop me. NO ONE!”

Not the actual door handle - picture changed to protect the infringed upon.

Continued the Sheriff: “Fernbrookians might be worried that I released a stream of hot salty urine on their car door handle but don’t worry, I went all the way over to London to piss on a passenger car door handle. London,” Sheriff Rutherford confirmed.

“Now some people may be wondering what on earth would possess me to piss on someone’s car door handle and the answer is simple – it’s how us superior beings publicly demonstrate our personal superiority over all the rest of Fernbrook’s residents. I am better than all of you,” purred the Sheriff proudly.

London Prior to the Stinky Stream of Urine  

“Best of all it’s a perfectly sane and rational act. After all isn’t that how animals mark their territory? With streams of pungent urine? So with my almost cat-like IQ it makes perfect sense for me to do it. But I don’t just piss on car door handles I also like to leave human feces in my kitchen cupboard. If you don’t believe me you can ask my old landlord. I left several deposits for him to find. But for the moment I would prefer to stick to the topic at hand – pissing on car door handles of London.”

"My urine doesn't stink," claims Sheriff Rutherford 

Actually I think that we’ve heard quite enough.

“But I’m not done,” said the Sheriff, “I’ve pissed on other things – “   

More than enough actually.                    

“HEY,” shouted Sheriff Rutherford as we backed slowly away, “What kind of car do you drive? WHAT KIND OF CAR? Come back here… Don’t you run away from me! Hey! HEY!”

As we ran away we couldn’t resist a look back, however, and saw our benighted Sheriff Rutherford fumbling with his belt buckle.    

"I would dye for Sheriff Rutherford!"