Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Loses Lawsuit, Donates ‘Brain’ to Science

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Loses Lawsuit, Donates ‘Brain’ to Science

"I honestly thought I was smarter than a cat!" declared Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford.

After several acrimonious legal meetings that ran late into the night Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s famous Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford finally capitulated. No doubt you’ll recall that our Sheriff Rutherford was being sued by Fernbrook’s powerful Feline Population after claiming to be as smart as a cat. On the advice of his legal team, Sheriff Lumpy has finally agreed to publicly admit that he spoke in error. That, in fact, he is not as smart as a cat.

“It’s true,” admitted Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford, “I am not as smart as a cat. But that doesn’t mean that I’m dumb. On the contrary. It means that Fernbrook’s cat population is just incredibly smart. And if cats are smarter than me then there can be no doubt that they are smarter than everyone else… even that red-headed terror the vicious Vaginasaurus Rex.”

“And when did you come to the realization that Fernbrook’s cats are smarter than yourself?”

Does anyone know how to work this darn thing?

“Well, I couldn’t sleep as a result of Princess Pea’s incessant door slamming. So I got up to watch some TV. There was this movie on that showed a cat flushing a toilet. That one with Robert De Niro. And that’s when the truth hit home. Because I have trouble working that complicated toilet mechanism. Sometimes I even forget to lift the lid and boy oh boy does that ever make V-Rex growl. But the cat could do everything so easily…” Sheriff Lumpy trailed off. “That’s when I knew I had to admit that I was wrong.”

But that wasn’t all that Sheriff Rutherford had to say.

 

Cafeteria's new doorstop under 12X magnification

“As part of the settlement the King of the Cats, Mittens Cuddlekin, insisted that I immediately donate my brain to science. As I don’t appear to be making much use of it. Which I quickly agreed to. It took me a while to find someone who needed a special brain like mine. I went to all these science places and talked to the science people and finally I found one who could make use of it. I guess the door of their science cafeteria needs help remaining open and a brain with my unusual degree of intelligence is exactly what they need to solve the problem. By wedging my brain against the door, kind of like a doorstop, the door will be able to remain constantly open and the science people will be able to walk quickly in and out without having to worry about trying to figure out that complicated door opening thing.”

“You’re… talking about the door’s push bar?”

“I think that’s what they call it. Whatever it is it sure is tricky. I sure hope they don’t put them on toilets… because then only the smart science people would be able to use them.”

     

“I don’t think we have to worry about that.”

“You may not have to worry about it,” finished Sheriff Rutherford, “But when you have a brain as special as mine… these are the kinds of things that you keep you up at night.”       

"Do my drapes match my carpet? No need to ask,  I'll just show you!"