Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sheriff Rutherford Sued By Local Cat Population

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sheriff Rutherford Sued By Local Cat Population

I do consider myself to be as smart as a cat," confirmed Sheriff Lumpy.

Early this morning Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford, Fernbrook Resort’s leading lawman, was served by the leader of the nation’s cat population with a notice that he was being sued as a result of some comments he made where he claimed to be ‘as smart as a cat’.

Look what the cat coughed up!

“When I heard that,” said Mittens Cuddlekin, King of the Resort’s persuasively powerful feline lobby, “I coughed up an extremely large hairball. I could not believe that this dunderheaded sheriff could claim such a thing. As smart as a cat! Really! That statement is completely untrue. Not only is Lumpy Rutherford not as smart as a cat… neither is he is smart as a dog. A mouse. Or even one of those stupid egg laying duckbilled platypus. And that’s saying something. Said statement is defamatory to our individual and our collective intelligence. So I had to sue. But not just to protect the good name of cats… but also to defend the reputation of all the animal kingdom. Because quite honestly I’ve had more intelligent conversations with old rotted boards filled with rusty nails and… and… ”

When asked what in particular had so completely miffed the cat population King Mittens Cuddlekin replied, “Well, for starters, he likes to get women alone and then yell and swear at them and generally intimidate them. No feline would ever verbally assault or bully a primary caregiver. Especially if they have long nails to scratch our backs with.”

“That’s it?”

“Oh, there’s more,” continued King Mittens, “lot’s more. Cats don’t run around in the middle of the night banging on windows or on the sides of homes and then running away. Or make loud thumping noises or… or other stupid childish behaviors. Linking this type of behavior to feline intelligence is diminishing to us… it is completely beyond the pale. We will not stand for this.”

King Mittens Cuddlekin III of Fernbrook Resort

“Has Sheriff Rutherford responded yet?”

“That Tom Fool won’t be able to respond until someone reads it to him. He’s probably still trying to figure out how to open the envelope,” Cuddlekin purred, “Maybe he should borrow his appalling buddy’s tire slashing knife. I sure hope he doesn’t cut himself. NOT!” King Mittens meowed loudly.

“And what do you expect to gain from this legal action?”

A two week old cat litter box.

Replied King Mittens Cuddlekin, “Initially we were hoping for monetary damages… but you can’t get cat food from a stone, so we just want everyone to know that that tom fool Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford is nit now and will not ever be as smart as a cat. As such we are politely requesting of him to cease and desist all such comparisons. He, and all you bipeds, need to understand that it’s not that cats aren’t smart enough to do stupid things it’s that we’re smart enough NOT to do them. In fact we would never even think of doing such things. Cats don’t bull, cats don’t harass and it is common knowledge that a feline never lies. Except in front of a warm toasty fire on a cold day. Essentially we want everyone to know that Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford is completely full of two week old cat litter.”