Fernbrook Resort Freelton – ‘I am too as smart as a cat!”
claims Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford
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| "I am too as smart as a kat," claimed Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford |
TODAY we have a special message from the Sheriff of
Fernbrook Resort, the Exemplary Tomfool, Lumpy Rutherford. And now that
message…
“It has come to my attention that some people of Fernbrook
Resort,” began Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford, “believe that cats are smarter than
me. This is a lie! I am too as smart as a cat… and I can prove it!”
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| "This Lumpy Rutherford scares me! said Fraidy Cat |
“Would a cat lie about being a pretend constable with the
Ontario Provincial Police for over eighteen years? NO! And do you know why?
It’s because cats aren’t smart enough to lie. But I am. I lie so much that I
very often don’t even know what the real truth is. Could a cat say that? NO!”
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| "This Sheriff makes me feel like puking!" said Tom Cat |
“Secondly, some nights I like to sneak around Fernbrook and
disturb people by banging on windows or the sides of homes or making loud
noises and running away. Do cats ever harass people? NO! Cats aren’t even smart
enough to think about harassing people. But not only do I think up ways to
harass people I actually harass people.”
“Next, do cats ever yell and swear and intimidate the women
of Fernbrook Resort? NO! But I do. Sometimes when I catch a woman alone I will
yell and swear at her. But not just in Fernbrook Resort but also on Concession
12 East. Recently I stopped a female Fernbrook resident on the 12th
Concession and swore at her and told her how stupid she was because she didn’t
have her paperwork for the lawsuit handed in. Would a cat do that? NO! A cat
isn’t even smart enough to mess up a lawsuit suing Fernbrook Resort like I
have.”
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| "There is no way this Sheriff is as smart as me!!" |
“Finally, my gal pal the red-headed Vaginasaurus Rex and I, boss
people around. And they follow our orders! Anyone who does not do exactly what
we tell them to do or think exactly what we tell them to think is not allowed
to be our friend. Would a cat act like that? NO! A cat will be a friend with
just about anybody. Which shows exactly how dumb a cat can be. But not us! To
be our friend you have to be a mindless puppet who has no spine and who is
unable to think for themselves. Not only that, you have to have low morals and
no conscience. Not very many people at Fernbrook Resort fit that description
but the very few people here that do... those are the people we allow to be our
FRIEND.”
“So, in conclusion, I think that I have used my superior
logicalness skills to prove that I am as smart as any cat in Fernbrook. And
probably cats in Puslinch too! And Waterdown. And one day I hope to be as smart
as the cats of Millgrove.One day.”
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| AND don't forget to buy my book! |
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There you have it, the Exemplary Tomfool of Fernbrook Resort
Freelton, Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford, has proved to his own satisfaction that he
may in fact be every bit as smart as a cat.
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