Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Sheriff Lumpy Speaks Out on CoViD-19 Toilet Paper Shortages

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Sheriff Lumpy Speaks Out on CoViD-19 Toilet Paper Shortages

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff, who was recently named as Freelton’s leading tomfool, Lumpy Rutherford, recently addressed the Resort giving his personal take on the CoViD-19 virus.

“People, people, let’s all settle now,” Sheriff Rutherford asked as he clapped his hands girlishly, “can we settle now… PullLeeeeze!”

As the crowd settled Sheriff Lumpy began his oration.

“As most of you know I was a professional fake police officer for over eighteen years before moving here to Fernbrook where my extensive background in harassment, tomfoolery and chicanery made me the logical choice to become this Resort’s finest fake sheriff. And with credentials such as these who better than I to speak out about the coronavirus?” the Sheriff asked the crowd rhetorically.

“How about someone with a medical background?” a voice in the crowd shouted.

A shout that was followed closely by someone who loudly asked, “Or perhaps a cat – “

“Yeah,” someone else shouted out, “But a striped cat. Not one of those stupid solid black ones with white feet that everyone always calls ‘Mittens’”

“Man I hate that,” another voice exclaimed.

“Yeah, I want to hear from a cat too,” said someone else, “They’re smarter than we think.”

“WELL you won’t think that when you hear what I have to say,” interrupted Sheriff Rutherford. “And what I have to say is that the coronavirus is a hoax. It’s a fake!”

“What?”

“Huh?”

Evil Leader of the Toilet Paper Monopoly?

“It’s true. I figured it all out by myself,” Sheriff Rutherford boasted proudly. “I double secretly investigated and the whole thing is a hoax started by the Secret Toilet Paper Concerns that have for so long controlled our bum wiping needs. First with two ply paper. Then three ply. Next it was quilted designs for maximum comfort. And now this. A fake illness. The Toilet Paper Conglomerate has created a fake disease in order to get us to buy more toilet paper. More toilet paper than we could ever hope to need. Or use. Even if we were to eat spicy Thai food. Three times a day. For weeks on end.” 

“I don’t understand,” someone asked loudly.

“You will though,” answered Lumpy, “THE only way to free ourselves of those people who would secretly run our lives through toilet paper is to break free of the Toilet Paper Conglomerate… WE must all cut back on our toilet paper purchases. Buy only what you absolutely need. And no more. Or, better yet, refuse to buy toilet paper. I don’t!” the Sheriff exclaimed proudly. “And I haven’t for years!”

“You don’t use toilet paper?”

“Nope. Not for years. I use grass and leaves and when times are really tough a good stick will really do the trick. For extra freshness I recommend pine.”

Use when you want to feel EXTRA FRESH?

“You know you shouldn’t be putting leaves and sticks and… and… well, in the toilet. We’re on a septic system here at Fernbrook Resort.”

“Well of course I know that you little silly billy,” Sheriff Rutherford replied leeringly followed by a quick wink, “So I use my neighbor’s lawn. Usually in the early AM hours. If you think someone might be watching you just bark and run away. That’s what I do. But HEY… don’t use my lawn. If you IM me I will give you my personal recommendation on whose lawns you should be evacuating your bowels on.”

"Don't forget to buy my book!" said Sheriff Rutherford

“Dude, that’s gross.”

“You are one sick fu– “

“Is it too late to hear from a cat? Any cat. Even one called Mittens.”

“Mittens,” the crowd called out in unison, “Here Mittens, Miiitttteennnsss”