Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Sheriff Lumpy Speaks Out on
CoViD-19 Toilet Paper Shortages
Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff, who was recently named
as Freelton’s leading tomfool, Lumpy Rutherford, recently addressed the Resort giving
his personal take on the CoViD-19 virus.
“People, people, let’s all settle now,” Sheriff Rutherford
asked as he clapped his hands girlishly, “can we settle now… PullLeeeeze!”
As the crowd settled Sheriff Lumpy began his oration.
“As most of you know I was a professional fake police
officer for over eighteen years before moving here to Fernbrook where my
extensive background in harassment, tomfoolery and chicanery made me the
logical choice to become this Resort’s finest fake sheriff. And with
credentials such as these who better than I to speak out about the
coronavirus?” the Sheriff asked the crowd rhetorically.
“How about someone with a medical background?” a voice in
the crowd shouted.
A shout that was followed closely by someone who loudly
asked, “Or perhaps a cat – “
“Yeah,” someone else shouted out, “But a striped cat. Not
one of those stupid solid black ones with white feet that everyone always calls
‘Mittens’”
“Man I hate that,” another voice exclaimed.
“Yeah, I want to hear from a cat too,” said someone else,
“They’re smarter than we think.”
“WELL you won’t think that when you hear what I have to
say,” interrupted Sheriff Rutherford. “And what I have to say is that the
coronavirus is a hoax. It’s a fake!”
“What?”
“Huh?”
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| Evil Leader of the Toilet Paper Monopoly? |
“It’s true. I figured it all out by myself,” Sheriff
Rutherford boasted proudly. “I double secretly investigated and the whole thing
is a hoax started by the Secret Toilet Paper Concerns that have for so long
controlled our bum wiping needs. First with two ply paper. Then three ply. Next
it was quilted designs for maximum comfort. And now this. A fake illness. The
Toilet Paper Conglomerate has created a fake disease in order to get us to buy
more toilet paper. More toilet paper than we could ever hope to need. Or use. Even
if we were to eat spicy Thai food. Three times a day. For weeks on end.”
“I don’t understand,” someone asked loudly.
“You will though,” answered Lumpy, “THE only way to free
ourselves of those people who would secretly run our lives through toilet paper
is to break free of the Toilet Paper Conglomerate… WE must all cut back on our
toilet paper purchases. Buy only what you absolutely need. And no more. Or,
better yet, refuse to buy toilet paper. I don’t!” the Sheriff exclaimed
proudly. “And I haven’t for years!”
“You don’t use toilet paper?”
“Nope. Not for years. I use grass and leaves and when times
are really tough a good stick will really do the trick. For extra freshness I
recommend pine.”
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| Use when you want to feel EXTRA FRESH? |
“You know you shouldn’t be putting leaves and sticks and…
and… well, in the toilet. We’re on a septic system here at Fernbrook Resort.”
“Well of course I know that you little silly billy,” Sheriff
Rutherford replied leeringly followed by a quick wink, “So I use my neighbor’s
lawn. Usually in the early AM hours. If you think someone might be watching you
just bark and run away. That’s what I do. But HEY… don’t use my lawn. If you IM
me I will give you my personal recommendation on whose lawns you should be evacuating
your bowels on.”
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| "Don't forget to buy my book!" said Sheriff Rutherford |
“Dude, that’s gross.”
“You are one sick fu– “
“Is it too late to hear from a cat? Any cat. Even one called
Mittens.”
“Mittens,” the crowd called out in unison, “Here Mittens,
Miiitttteennnsss”
