Fernbrook Resort Freelton – Home to One Family’s Most Cherished Tomfool

Fernbrook Resort Freelton – Home to One Family’s Most Cherished Tomfool   

Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford, Fernbrook Resort's Most Cherished Tomfool?

Dedicated fans of Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Lumpy Rutherford were extremely pleased to learn a little bit about our well respected Sheriff. So pleased that we decided to speak to the esteemed lawman’s proud Papa Mister Rutherford.

Are you pleased,” we asked, “with your son Lumpy’s behavior? referencing his proclivity for urinating on the handles of car doors owned by personal friends?

Lumpy Rutherford's father "Mister"

“Really, really pleased,” replied his doting Dad. “Urinating on people’s private property and evacuating our bowels into our own cupboards at home is a well practiced family tradition. A practice our ancestors brought with them to this new land when we were forcibly exiled.”

Good heavens… you mean to say –  

“I guess not all people enjoy finding lumps of human feces in their kitchen cupboards of a home they graciously sublet. Or learning that a beloved sheriff walks around in the middle of the night urinating on the car doors of native Fernbrookians.”

Ewwwwww!!!!!

 

“That’s not the only reason we’re so proud of our son. Upholding our most cherished family tradition.”

Oh? Please… continue… 

I dyed for a Tomfool

“More importantly our son Lumpy is, in no uncertain terms, a certified Tomfool. Mrs. Rutherford and I never dreamed such a thing would be possible for the boy… but he has exceeded our expectations. And it makes us so happy and so proud,” he continued with a tear in his eye, “Lumpy went from being a fake OPP officer for eighteen years, to driving a school bus in his bathrobe in the middle of the day to, eventually, becoming a Sheriff in a lawless resort town. YET still having the time to maintain our family traditions for future generations of our clan. He is not just our family’s most dedicated tomfool he is also a tom in all the ways such a word can be defined.”

Capital summation to an awkward discussion we thought as we walked away. Capital!          

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: “It’s Not Wrong Give our Neighbor’s Car a Golden Shower!”

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: “It’s Not Wrong Give our Neighbor’s Car a Golden Shower!”

"Does anyone see a good vehicle?" Sheriff Rutherford asked his companions.

Recently we learned that Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s beloved Sheriff, Lumpy Rutherford, admitted to travelling all the way to neighboring London to urinate on a passenger car door handle.

So impressed were we with his candor that we decided to speak with Lumpy’s mom and get her take on her Sheriff/son’s behavior.

Lumpy Rutherford's proud mommy?

“I’m not surprised,” said Mrs. Rutherford, “Lumpy has always had an extremely overactive bladder. As a child he actually made his own waterbed. Every single night. Well… we told him it was water. But it wasn’t really. If you know what I mean,” she sighed sadly.

Continuing on Mrs. Rutherford added, “As a child he would urinate all over his toy cars. He would creep out late at night and relieve himself on our neighbor’s vehicles. And whenever we passed a car lot, new or used, he would get so excited that he was unable to control himself. It wasn’t until his early twenties that he could exercise any semblance of self control and we could wean him off adult diapers and put him in ‘Big Boy’ pants.”

“Then there was the day he became a real fake police officer. We were so proud of him. Solving that crime about the doughnut holes. We really thought he was starting to grow up. To mature. But, unfortunately, he was still unable to control his bladder,” she remarked sadly, “he was caught urinating all over police cars and vans as well as private citizens who stopped by the station.”

Lumpy Rutherford's personal call sign?

“Finally, after 18 years, Lumpy left the police by mutual agreement, they agreed not to press charges and he agreed to forgo a pension. Eventually he ended up in Fernbrook Resort. Where he was named Sheriff. But even that didn’t cure his predilection for urinating on people’s cars. As London found out. But I am proud of my son. Because legally speaking he is my son. So I have to be proud of his behavior. Even though it reflects on my poor parenting skills… and my overall failure to raise a child to adulthood. People who know my son consider him to be a complete and utter Tomfool… and I can’t argue against him acting like a fool or being a Tom.” 

"I would dye for a golden shower from Lumpy"

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford takes on the Cornavirus COVID-19

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford takes on the Cornavirus CoViD-19

Today Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s newly elected Sherriff Lumpy Rutherford announced that if the coronavirus dared enter his park, his plans to arrest the disease.

Intrigued we inquired how he planned to arrest the disease’s progress if indeed it did dare to poke its head into Fernbrook Resort.

“With my brand new handcuffs,” replied the Sheriff proudly as he displayed the plastic handcuffs he recently purchased from the Dollar Store.

Sheriff Rutherford's new cuffs

“Wait a second… you’re going to what?”

“WITH… MY… BRAND… NEW… HANDCUFFS,” enunciated Lumpy very slowly and a bit louder. “If Mr. Corona Virus ever shows up in Fernbrook Resort I will slap these handcuffs on him so fast that they may cause a big bruise. Or even moderate chafing to the wrist. But only if the cuffs are worn for an extended period of time. At least that’s what the instructions say.”

The Dangerous Mr Corona Virus?

“You’re going to actually physically arrest a disease? A virus? Using plastic handcuffs?”

“That’s right,” intoned Sheriff Rutherford. “And I’ve phoned other countries and told them that they should do the same thing. Most of the countries told me never to phone them again. Some even changed their number to an unlisted one. Except the United States. The owner of the United States, Mr. Donald Trump, said he admired my acumen and offered to make me Director of Arresting Diseases and also Secretary in Charge of Floor Sweeping.”

“So you’re leaving? After you’ve just been elected?”

"It's AQUA-man, AQUA!"

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no… when Mr. Trump said acumen I got confused. I didn’t know if he meant the DC comic character that solved underwater fish related crimes… or that Asian car. The one made in Asia. By those Asian people. From Asianland. So I hung up the phone.”

"It's Acura, ACURA!" said the Nisan

“That’s a shame. Because we would sure have missed you. I have an idea… why don’t you call back and take the job and see if we actually miss you. Please! PRETTY PLEASE!!”

“I can’t that do that!” replied Sheriff Lumpy, “Because I already have another crime to solve.” And here he looked both ways and before whispering proudly, “When I went to the Dollar Store I noticed that some things cost more than one dollar. Some things cost two dollars and some things were even three whole dollars,” he said holding up four fingers when indicating the number three, “So they have to have completely different stores for each price. Otherwise its false advertising.”

“You mean like a Two Dollar Store? And a Three Dollar Store?”

“Exactly. So I have to arrest the entire store.”

“You’re going to arrest a building?”

“Durn tootin’ As soon as I can get handcuffs that are big enough. And after that I’m going to arrest Dr. Pepper. Not a real doctor,” Lumpy nodded softly as he tapped his nose with one finger. “And after that Colonel Sanders, then Mr. Lube, and…”

"I ain't no tom fool," said Lumpy, OR AM I?"

Looks to be a tomfool year in Fernbrook Resort Freelton.