Fernbrook Resort Freelton: The Mystery of the Stolen Fire Ring – Solved?

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: The Mystery of the Stolen Fire Ring – Solved?

A recent Fernbrook Resort Information & News Facebook post discussed the theft of a fire ring. Following is a recreation of what may have happened. 

"Why buy or rent when you can steal?" suggested Lumpy Rutherford

“I sure wish that I had my own fire ring,” exclaimed Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s infamous Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford.

“Say,” replied Lumpy’s increasingly lumpy gal pal the red-haired Vaginasaurus Rex or V-Rex, “I know where we can get a fire ring for free. And by free I mean it won’t cost us anything because it belongs to someone else who already bought and paid for it.”

“And where would that be”? asked a noticeably excited sheriff. Excited because he enjoyed costing other people money.

“By the park pavilion is nice fire ring,” growled the ferocious V-Rex of a girl. “But if we took it for own we could say it is a belle fire ring! Because I am a belle,” she said while running her hand through her hair. 

"GROWL," growled the Vaginasaurus Rex

“Excellent, excellent,” chirped Lumpy proudly. “Let’s go get it right now because I want a fire ring right this instant. I can’t stand pat any longer. Having no fire ring. We have to get it right now! People without fire rings aren’t cool. And stealing this means we will have a fire ring which automatically makes us cool. And at no ancillary costs to us!”

“Let’s do it then,” agreed the red-haired Vaginasaurus, “because we’re the only ones in the park who can’t stand pat. Everyone else thinks pat is great!”

Is this when the fire ring was stolen?

And so that’s what Lumpy Rutherford and his Vaginasaurus Rex of a girlfriend did. Under cover of darkness they crept over to Fernbrook Resort’s much celebrated Park Pavilion and stole the fire ring. Because they were too cheap to purchase their own. And because they were a pair of spineless cowards who couldn’t stand pat. Though everyone else thought pat was just fine and dandy.

“Tomorrow let’s have a fire,” Lumpy announced. “All our friends can come,” he said, “both of them.”

“Oh that sounds like an excellent idea,” agreed the red-headed V-Rex, “Does a stuffed dog wearing a banana suit count as a friend? ‘Cause then we would have three friends.”

“Mmmmmm,” sheriff Lumpy mused sadly, “I hate to tell you this but I was counting that as a friend. A close friend. Who I like a lot. A real lot. Do you ever think you might want to dress in a dog costume when I’m feeling amorous?”

“Do I? I think about it all the time,” replied V-Rex enthusiastically. “And perhaps you could dress like Carmen Miranda?” she added tentatively.

“I do have a Carmen Miranda costume,” said Lumpy. “I like to put it on and walk around the house when no one else can see me. It makes me feel more sheriff-y.”

“Do the bananas in the cornucopia cap make you jealous? Because I really like bananas. I honestly haven’t seen any sort of banana since I quit doing late night adult features,” she sighed sadly.

“It’s not my fault, it’s your fault,” Sheriff Lumpy screamed at V-Rex. “If you would dye your hair blonde my pint-sized gherkin might get some dill in it. I can’t stand gingers. They creep me out!”

I would never dye for red hair!

That is where this story ends. The mystery of the stolen fire ring solved. For once and for all. For the stolen fire ring rests behind the parking tent on the property of Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford. And his vicious red haired lump of a Vaginasaurus Rex. Who when they saw the fire ring stole it because they couldn’t stand pat. Though everyone else could.

? (Question mark)