Fernbrook Resort Freelton – Home to One Family’s Most Cherished Tomfool

Fernbrook Resort Freelton – Home to One Family’s Most Cherished Tomfool   

Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford, Fernbrook Resort's Most Cherished Tomfool?

Dedicated fans of Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Lumpy Rutherford were extremely pleased to learn a little bit about our well respected Sheriff. So pleased that we decided to speak to the esteemed lawman’s proud Papa Mister Rutherford.

Are you pleased,” we asked, “with your son Lumpy’s behavior? referencing his proclivity for urinating on the handles of car doors owned by personal friends?

Lumpy Rutherford's father "Mister"

“Really, really pleased,” replied his doting Dad. “Urinating on people’s private property and evacuating our bowels into our own cupboards at home is a well practiced family tradition. A practice our ancestors brought with them to this new land when we were forcibly exiled.”

Good heavens… you mean to say –  

“I guess not all people enjoy finding lumps of human feces in their kitchen cupboards of a home they graciously sublet. Or learning that a beloved sheriff walks around in the middle of the night urinating on the car doors of native Fernbrookians.”

Ewwwwww!!!!!

 

“That’s not the only reason we’re so proud of our son. Upholding our most cherished family tradition.”

Oh? Please… continue… 

I dyed for a Tomfool

“More importantly our son Lumpy is, in no uncertain terms, a certified Tomfool. Mrs. Rutherford and I never dreamed such a thing would be possible for the boy… but he has exceeded our expectations. And it makes us so happy and so proud,” he continued with a tear in his eye, “Lumpy went from being a fake OPP officer for eighteen years, to driving a school bus in his bathrobe in the middle of the day to, eventually, becoming a Sheriff in a lawless resort town. YET still having the time to maintain our family traditions for future generations of our clan. He is not just our family’s most dedicated tomfool he is also a tom in all the ways such a word can be defined.”

Capital summation to an awkward discussion we thought as we walked away. Capital!          

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sheriff Rutherford Sued By Local Cat Population

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sheriff Rutherford Sued By Local Cat Population

I do consider myself to be as smart as a cat," confirmed Sheriff Lumpy.

Early this morning Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford, Fernbrook Resort’s leading lawman, was served by the leader of the nation’s cat population with a notice that he was being sued as a result of some comments he made where he claimed to be ‘as smart as a cat’.

Look what the cat coughed up!

“When I heard that,” said Mittens Cuddlekin, King of the Resort’s persuasively powerful feline lobby, “I coughed up an extremely large hairball. I could not believe that this dunderheaded sheriff could claim such a thing. As smart as a cat! Really! That statement is completely untrue. Not only is Lumpy Rutherford not as smart as a cat… neither is he is smart as a dog. A mouse. Or even one of those stupid egg laying duckbilled platypus. And that’s saying something. Said statement is defamatory to our individual and our collective intelligence. So I had to sue. But not just to protect the good name of cats… but also to defend the reputation of all the animal kingdom. Because quite honestly I’ve had more intelligent conversations with old rotted boards filled with rusty nails and… and… ”

When asked what in particular had so completely miffed the cat population King Mittens Cuddlekin replied, “Well, for starters, he likes to get women alone and then yell and swear at them and generally intimidate them. No feline would ever verbally assault or bully a primary caregiver. Especially if they have long nails to scratch our backs with.”

“That’s it?”

“Oh, there’s more,” continued King Mittens, “lot’s more. Cats don’t run around in the middle of the night banging on windows or on the sides of homes and then running away. Or make loud thumping noises or… or other stupid childish behaviors. Linking this type of behavior to feline intelligence is diminishing to us… it is completely beyond the pale. We will not stand for this.”

King Mittens Cuddlekin III of Fernbrook Resort

“Has Sheriff Rutherford responded yet?”

“That Tom Fool won’t be able to respond until someone reads it to him. He’s probably still trying to figure out how to open the envelope,” Cuddlekin purred, “Maybe he should borrow his appalling buddy’s tire slashing knife. I sure hope he doesn’t cut himself. NOT!” King Mittens meowed loudly.

“And what do you expect to gain from this legal action?”

A two week old cat litter box.

Replied King Mittens Cuddlekin, “Initially we were hoping for monetary damages… but you can’t get cat food from a stone, so we just want everyone to know that that tom fool Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford is nit now and will not ever be as smart as a cat. As such we are politely requesting of him to cease and desist all such comparisons. He, and all you bipeds, need to understand that it’s not that cats aren’t smart enough to do stupid things it’s that we’re smart enough NOT to do them. In fact we would never even think of doing such things. Cats don’t bull, cats don’t harass and it is common knowledge that a feline never lies. Except in front of a warm toasty fire on a cold day. Essentially we want everyone to know that Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford is completely full of two week old cat litter.”

Fernbrook Resort in Freelton: Facebook, Harassment and a Caroline that Could Not Cope? Part I – An Introduction

Fernbrook Resort in Freelton: Facebook, Harassment and a Caroline that Could Not Cope? Part I – An Introduction

Based on a true story.

This is a petty yet true silly story about a sluggish trailer park community, Fernbrook Resort in Freelton, held hostage by a few appalling individuals, their puppet pals, and some satellite acquaintances who desperately orbit for their approval. They are known as Tom Fools by some and as the Good Old Boys and Girls by others. Together they engage in a seemingly endless series of petty mickey mouse ‘pranks’ and tom fool acts.

The book of harassment?

     Successfully.

     Though there is no secret to their identities.

     And it is no secret why they are successful.

     No secret how they can continue to bother and bedevil.

     Harass and trespass.

     Lie and cry wolf.

     Fear.

     The secret is fear.

     Their secret is fear.

     Those who aren’t victims… are afraid of being victimized if they speak out.

Guess what book I wrote?

    And those who are being victimized… they are afraid of retaliation. Of being further victimized. So, too, their lips are sewn. Then further sealed. And, finally, locked. The key lost. In hopes that the appalling individuals and the tom fools with their mickey mouse acts will look any way but their way.

     I was no different.

     Whether it was me or it was someone else.

     Feigning ignorance.

     Hunched shoulders.

     Eyes averted.

     But, finally, I had had enough.

     I found my key.

     Then unsealed and unstitched my lips.

     So I could tell you this very silly story.

     Of all their acts this is the pettiest I have yet heard.

     That you will ever read.

     A story that illustrates how much control they hold through the power of fear.

     Through a Facebook post that was FALSELY flagged as harassment by a complete stranger who, apparently, could not cope. Her name was Caroline.

The evolution of mankind explained?

This guest story was submitted by Multatuli.

NEXT EPISODE: THE INNOCENT FACEBOOK POST THAT HARASSED A COMPLETE STRANGER.