Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Accused of Harassment & Bullying

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Accused of Harassment & Bullying

This year several accusations of harassment, bullying and generally vexatious behavior were leveled against Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Fernbrook Resort’s leading lawman. The allegations were made when a certain mathematical correlation was computed. Whenever Lumpy takes a winter vacation the harassment, bullying, trespassing, vandalism and the like completely abate. Abate until his return, When such behaviors begin anew. We reached out to Sheriff Rutherford to get his side of the story.

“It’s true,” admitted the Sheriff, “but I have thought up several excuses to prove why there is a sudden downtrend in Fernbrook Resort’s crime statistics whenever I’m not around to commit a crime.”

“For starters,” continued the Sheriff, “this year my girl fiend, the infamous female bully the ‘Red-headed Vaginasaurus Rex’ and I went on a trip to Mexico. During our absence there was no crime in Fernbrook. And we can explain why that was. The criminals were in Mexico.”

Thank you Mexico for that brief respite!

“Ummmm… so you were in Mexico… and the criminals were in Mexico… but you aren’t the one harassing and bullying Fernbrook’s residents?”

“Exactly,” agreed the Sheriff, “the criminals must have followed us there and then followed us back when we returned. And started committing crimes again. To make me look guilty. Because those criminal people are super dupery smart.”   

“Huh!?! At best that sounds like specious reasoning.”

“I don’t know what words like reasoning or specious mean… but it sounds like you don’t believe me. So I made up other excuses just to be supery dupery safe. As a policing person I know more about the law than anyone. And the law says that if you don’t like someone than you’re allowed to bully and harass them and it’s not against the law. In fact it means that you’re really cool.”

“So you admit then that you’re harassing residents of Fernbrook Resort?”

“You’re making it sound like a crime.”

“Because harassment… trespassing, bullying… there all crimes. And as a pretend Sheriff who was a fake cop for almost 18 years you should know better.

“Well, I don’t know better,” nodded Sheriff Rutherford, “and not only that you don’t either because if you did know better you would remember that I just made up a new super duper special law that harassment isn’t a crime if you don’t like the victim.”

“It sounds like you’re caught up in semantics.”  

"I never realized my brain was so big!," remarked Lumpy

“If you keep using big words that I don’t understand than I’m going to have to arrest you!”

“CAT.”

“That’s it… you’re under arrest.”

“Aren’t you the same Lumpy Rutherford who donated his brain to science and now they’re using it as a doorstop in their science cafeteria.”

“That’s IT! Now you’re under super duper arrest!!!”

 

"I'm a dyed in the wool Lumpy Rutherford fan!"