‘It’s true!” Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sued By Resident Genius

‘It’s true!” Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sued By Resident Genius

“It’s true,” the Resort’s self acknowledged resident genius Lumpy Rutherford admitted, “I had to sue Fernbrook. So I could prove just how smart I am. Residents here just aren’t acknowledging my genius enough. Most people don’t even know that I’m the only person in the world to memorize all 37 letters of the alphabet.”

                                                                                                 

"The alphabet does too have 37 letters," confirmed Lumpy

“It’s true,” agreed the red-maned Vaginasauraus Rex (V-Rex) one of Lumpy’s greatest admirers and many supporters. “When he first told me how smart he was I just couldn’t believe it. But now that Lumpy is the instigator behind each of the many groups taking legal steps against Fernbrook I can almost believe that he might possibly be smart. Someday.” she hedged nervously as she looked over her shoulder. “He can’t hear us can he?” she whispered.

And why did the highly self-esteemed Lumpy Rutherford have to sue Fernbrook Resort?

“It’s true that I had to sue,” replied Lumpy, “but there are so many problems I hardly know where to begin. One thing that rankles me is the fact that they never turn the streetlights on during the day. Just recently I tripped over my own three feet in broad daylight and chipped my tooths,” he lisped. “That would never have happened if the streetlight had been turned on. And another thing, they never bill us for electricity. Or for property taxes. That’s ridiculous.”

“It’s true,” interrupted Ms. V-Rex, “Lumpy did trip over his own two feet in the broad daylight. And it’s the lack of street lights that was to blame. Not his clumsiness. Or his oafish demeanor. And we aren’t being billed for certain key expenditures either.”

"I'm not delusional, you the one who's delusional," said V-Rex.

“It’s true. Just like I told you,” said an out and proud Lumpy, “I want to be billed. And I also want to put an end to the implied interest free loans that Fernbrook Resort provides to its residents by not billing us in a timely fashion. I want to be charged interest. And plenty of it. When I accomplish this for myself and the residents here that will teach everyone who’s the most smartestest here.”

“It’s true that something will be proved,” nodded V-Rex softly in agreement. “But not only should we be charged interest, that interest should be compounded daily at the most usurious rate allowed by law.”

“It’s true… but ummm… I don’t know what all that means moaned a suddenly pensive Lumpy Rutherford, “You know the doctor says that you’re not supposed to use big words around me. They make my head hurt,” he reproached V-Rex tearfully. “Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow!”

“It’s true, your doctor did say that,” Then in a much lower voice V-Rex whispered softly, “And he also said something about turning on the gas, forgetting to light the pilot and going for a long walk. A very long walk. Verrrrry lonnnnnnnnnng.”

“It’s true that I have the most bestestest doctor of all,” smiled Lumpy. “Hey, do you want to go outside and watch me fall down some more? I want to chip some more tooths and then blame an innocent third party for my own lack of foresight and dearth of common sense.”

“It’s true that I would love to see you fall down again. I know… Why don’t we take a stroll down by the lake. And I could give you a little push – ”

“What?”

 “Oh nothing. Nothing at all. You coming?”

Fernbrook Resort's beautiful freshwater lake is teeming with life.

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Should Put Garbage in its Place

The management and staff of Fernbrook Resort Freelton are gracious enough to provide a great variety of tasty Tim Horton’s treats free of charge to both residents and guests at the Resort.

Which pleases everyone. Except the One-Point-One Percenters. That gang of Good Old Boys and Girls who take delight in creating mischief for mischief’s sake. At this time it would be pertinent to point out that every single member of the Good Old Boys and Girls gang is ‘a chronological adult’. It would have been nice to write ‘a mature adult’ but, no doubt, some one would try to sue this blog for libel and slander and spreading the novel coronavirus.

"Why are you using quotes around the word adults? Are you questioning our maturity? That’s harassment!" said Fernbrook Resort's scary red-headed V-Rex 

What happened was between the hours of 10:15 PM and 11:15 PM on January 24th, 2020 some members of that gang of One-Point-One Percenters took delight in maltreating some of the tasty treats while making a bit of a mess in the clubhouse during the process. They uncovered the treats and left them exposed. Hastening their expiration. They left several partially eaten treats on the front counter. Along with an open beverage. And more partially eaten treats left exposed on the tables.

"Safely store your food," recommends Chef Stephen Yan

You know what happens when you leave exposed food lying around? It attracts vermin. Mice and such. You don’t have to be Wok With Yan to figure that out. But maybe they did figure that out. And that’s probably why they did it. They wanted to attract vermin (other than themselves) to the clubhouse and they wanted the graciously provided treats to be spoiled. So that no one could enjoy. It would also give them something else to boo hoo about.

And who were among the last ‘adults’ to be seen leaving the Clubhouse around 11:15 PM on January 24^th, 2020? None other than Lumpy Rutherford and his gal pal the dreaded Red-Headed Vaginasaurus Rex or V-Rex.    

       

"You better not be accusing me of something I did... because that's harassment" remarked Fernbrook Resort's Lumpy Rutherford

And why is that significant?

Well, no one actually saw (or admitted to seeing) those ‘adults’ who committed this dastardly act. However, and coincidentally, the former home of Lumpy and the red-headed V-Rex, when the abandoned it, had a kitchen found to be full of rodent crap. Every drawer and every cupboard and every counter top in their former home was found to be mouse knee deep in vermin feces. Truly. And what would attract vermin quicker than leaving food about to entice them? A free trip to the Duchy of Fenwick? Nope. Wrong. It would be food. And if Lumpy and the red-headed V-Rex left food around their very own home to attract vermin than it would certainly not be above doing that in the Clubhouse of Fernbrook Resort in Freelton. And you folks who eat at Lumpy and V-Rex’s table – I hope you got your shots for the Hantavirus before chowing down.

"Isn't this delicious?" said Vaginasaurus Rex.

 

And while this is not proof positive that they did crime, even though they were last to leave the clubhouse, they were the last to leave the clubhouse. They had the opportunity, they had the motive and they’ve committed a similar crime in the past.           

So if you see Lumpy and his red-headed V-Rex scurrying around the park with their gang of Good Old Boys and Girls just cluck and nod your head and say, “Get that garbage out of here!” Yes, that’s right, put garbage in its place and we won’t have any more problems around here.  

"NOPE, no mouse crap in my house!" remarked longtime Fernbrook Resort resident Oscar T Grouch

The Games Begin in Fernbrook Resort Freelton!

The Games Begin in Fernbrook Resort Freelton!

Ninety-eight point nine percent of the residents residing in Fernbrook Resort (Freelton edition) are decent, honest and thoughtful folks who wouldn’t bother a fly. And this blog isn’t about them.

     It’s for them. 

"Please don't make me sue the pants off the Good Old Boys and Girls. Seriously. I'm not joking... it would give me nightmares," pleaded the Amazing Lawyer Girl. 

     Because this blog is about that small group of One-Point-One Percenters. That small gang of Good Old Boys and Girls who are indecent, dishonest and thoughtless. Their world revolves around them. And yours better too if you want to get along with them.

     And, quite naturally, I wanted to use the names of those Good Old Boys and Girls who are causing ninety-eight point nine percent of the problems in this once law-abiding and peaceful resort. But my extremely attractive and intelligent counsel advised against it.

(Note: I added the extremely attractive and intelligent after the Amazing Lawyer Girl vetted this. She’s not going to read it again. If she wanted to waster her time she would move to the United States and cast a vote for Trump. Good luck Donald, even if you win you’re going to lose!)

"I may be stupid but I'm not One-Point-One Percent stupid,"

 boasted Donald Trump.

    Anyway, Lawyer Girl said, “If you use real names there is a chance that a baseless suit could be filed. Leading to an unnecessary expense for you. And while I would really love to update the kitchen in my cottage, in all good conscience I have to advise you not to use real names of the Good Old Boys and Girls, or the One-Point One Percenters or whatever name you dream up for this gang of childish reprobates.”  

     Naturally I’m going to follow her advice.

     Not just because she’s my legal counsel but also because she’s quite attractive. Hey, I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid. (Correct. She didn’t read this paragraph either. If she had she would have struck the part about me not being stupid).

     Which brings us to the legal disclaimer.

“All names, dates and identifying details have been changed so as not to embarrass, humiliate, mortify or otherwise cause any mental or emotional discomfort to the One-Point-One Percenters of Fernbrook Resort Freelton.”

     If they did feel any of these emotions it would be an indication that they had some sort of conscience. Confused, they would either call the police and file a fake harassment complaint or else contact their lawyer and initiate legal proceedings.

    One other thing. Every single character mentioned in this blog has a mustache. So even if the character sounds like you but you don’t have a mustache than it can’t possibly be you. Suck on that for while. 

     And if you don’t understand the title to this blog you’ve just identified yourself as one of the One-Point One Percenters. Let us explain. Fernbrook Resort Freelton was used in the title as this is about a resort named Fernbrook Resort that can be found in Freelton. We didn’t want you mixing this up with the awesome folks of Fernbrook Resort in New Zealand.

    

     And why: “Stupid is the New Smart”? Well, the One-Point One Percenters have a practiced penchant for doing stupid things AND getting away with their stupidity. Time and time again. Making them think that they’re smart. So they act like they’re smarter than everyone else. And, yes, it is an act. Because in all honesty I don’t think they’re smarter than any one else. At all. So, as a tribute both to their level of intelligence and their actions, “Stupid is the New Smart” is the title. At least in Fernbrook Resort. The Freelton Fernbrook Resort. Not the New Zealand one. Sorry about that New Zealand. We don’t want to start some international incident.  

    

Fernbrook Resort Freelton dignitaries open the Resort's first blog dedicated to those who would be stupid!

I now declare this blog of stupid events and they’re oh so smart perpetrators to be officially open.

Let the games begin.