Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford takes on the Cornavirus COVID-19

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford takes on the Cornavirus CoViD-19

Today Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s newly elected Sherriff Lumpy Rutherford announced that if the coronavirus dared enter his park, his plans to arrest the disease.

Intrigued we inquired how he planned to arrest the disease’s progress if indeed it did dare to poke its head into Fernbrook Resort.

“With my brand new handcuffs,” replied the Sheriff proudly as he displayed the plastic handcuffs he recently purchased from the Dollar Store.

Sheriff Rutherford's new cuffs

“Wait a second… you’re going to what?”

“WITH… MY… BRAND… NEW… HANDCUFFS,” enunciated Lumpy very slowly and a bit louder. “If Mr. Corona Virus ever shows up in Fernbrook Resort I will slap these handcuffs on him so fast that they may cause a big bruise. Or even moderate chafing to the wrist. But only if the cuffs are worn for an extended period of time. At least that’s what the instructions say.”

The Dangerous Mr Corona Virus?

“You’re going to actually physically arrest a disease? A virus? Using plastic handcuffs?”

“That’s right,” intoned Sheriff Rutherford. “And I’ve phoned other countries and told them that they should do the same thing. Most of the countries told me never to phone them again. Some even changed their number to an unlisted one. Except the United States. The owner of the United States, Mr. Donald Trump, said he admired my acumen and offered to make me Director of Arresting Diseases and also Secretary in Charge of Floor Sweeping.”

“So you’re leaving? After you’ve just been elected?”

"It's AQUA-man, AQUA!"

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no… when Mr. Trump said acumen I got confused. I didn’t know if he meant the DC comic character that solved underwater fish related crimes… or that Asian car. The one made in Asia. By those Asian people. From Asianland. So I hung up the phone.”

"It's Acura, ACURA!" said the Nisan

“That’s a shame. Because we would sure have missed you. I have an idea… why don’t you call back and take the job and see if we actually miss you. Please! PRETTY PLEASE!!”

“I can’t that do that!” replied Sheriff Lumpy, “Because I already have another crime to solve.” And here he looked both ways and before whispering proudly, “When I went to the Dollar Store I noticed that some things cost more than one dollar. Some things cost two dollars and some things were even three whole dollars,” he said holding up four fingers when indicating the number three, “So they have to have completely different stores for each price. Otherwise its false advertising.”

“You mean like a Two Dollar Store? And a Three Dollar Store?”

“Exactly. So I have to arrest the entire store.”

“You’re going to arrest a building?”

“Durn tootin’ As soon as I can get handcuffs that are big enough. And after that I’m going to arrest Dr. Pepper. Not a real doctor,” Lumpy nodded softly as he tapped his nose with one finger. “And after that Colonel Sanders, then Mr. Lube, and…”

"I ain't no tom fool," said Lumpy, OR AM I?"

Looks to be a tomfool year in Fernbrook Resort Freelton.

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Who is Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford?

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Who is Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford?

A shocked Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford

After the shock of learning that an election for a Sheriff had been held the residents of Fernbrook Resort began asking questions. Questions such as: What time is lunch? Has anyone seen my cat? Is it lunchtime yet? And the obvious question: What’s for lunch. And before aspersions start being cast the cat was found. And it wasn’t on the lunch menu. And after a nice lunch of mystery meat the real questions began pouring forth. And not just questions about supper. Now it was questions about the new sheriff. Who is Lumpy Rutherford? What sort of meals does he eat? And at what time? Oh, yeah, and what exactly are Lumpy Rutherford’s qualifications for sheriff?

Finally, a question worth answering: What exactly are Lumpy Rutherford’s qualifications for sheriff? So we had a sit down with the sheriff and asked him exactly that, “What exactly are your qualifications to enforce the law in Fernbrook?”

“Well,” answered Sheriff Lumpy, “I know lots of different colors, over 17 different letters of the alphabet, double-you counts as two letters? Right? And I was once employed by the Ontario Provincial Police”

One Letter? Or Two? You decide!

“You were a Police Officer?”

“That is correct,” answered sheriff Lump, “I once was employed by the OPP. I was licensed to use an official police broom. And I also used to operate the breathalyzers 900 and 900A. If I liked you then you weren’t drunk but if I didn’t like you then you were drunk. It was really simple once I got the hang of it.”

“Wait a second what?”

A regulation 'holed' doughnut.

“And I also solved the OPP’s most mysterious case,” the Sheriff bragged, “The Case of the Missing Doughnut Holes. What happened was that the doughnut store place was delivering doughnuts. And one day I was looking at the doughnuts and I noticed something mighty peculiar – some of the doughnuts were missing their holes. I was the only one who noticed. None of the real policemen and women did. So I secretly investigated.”

“You secretly investigated why some doughnuts did not have any holes?”

“For over twelve years,” the newly elected Sheriff boasted. “Before I finally cracked the case. The writing on the doughnut box matched a store sign that I had been driving past for almost 16 years: ‘Tim Horton’s’. And once I figured that’s where the doughnuts were coming from I went to Mr. Tim Horton and I confronted him. ‘Where are the holes to my doughnuts? They’re missing! MISSING!’” I shouted at Mr. Horton. “Then he tried some phony baloney excuse about maple logs and bear claws and cream filled… but I didn’t fall for that. So I yelled more. And louder. That was when they had their security escort me off the premises. They also issued me with a lifetime ban.”

“You’re no longer allowed into that Tim Hortons?”

OMG! There's no hole!

“Most any Tim Hortons?” Sheriff Lumpy corrected me. “And not just in Canada but the United States, Europe or Asia. But I’m still allowed to visit the ones in Africa. And the Antarctic.”

“Well…” we replied, “You must be very proud of yourself.”

“I sure am,” answered Fernbrook’s Sheriff Rutherford, “I ran all the way back to the Police place and told them about the important case I had just solved. After I got my breath back. But they couldn’t believe it. No one could believe it. They just shook their heads in disbelief. None of them even knew that the doughnut holes were missing. That’s when they started looking at me differently. I also got a super secret promotion. After that day I became Super Duper Special Secret Police Agent Officer Fakenews,” he trailed off proudly. “Anytime anyone saw me they would say hey Officer Fakenews find those doughnut holes yet and then they would smile sadly and shake their heads. In fact whenever I said anything they would reply that it was just more Fakenews. They were getting jealous of me. That was also about the time they stopped allowing me to use scissors, letter openers, box cutters or anything with a sharpened edge.”

“So you weren’t actually a real Police Officer.”

“I was too,” shrieked Lumpy, “and in fact I still am. After 18 years they had to pretend to let me go because everyone was jealous of me being the bestest secret Police Man. Officer Fakenews. So I kept it secret so I could doing other secret investigations. Also, legally I’m no longer allowed to be around guns either. Any sharp objects. Or drive without a competent adult in the golf cart with me. And I also have to wear a helmet at all times in case I trip over a shoelace. I sure wish there was some way to tie a shoelace so I wouldn’t keep falling over it.”

“Hey,” we asked, “maybe someone unties your laces when you’re not looking? That could be your first case at Fernbrook: The Mystery of the Untied Shoelace.”        

AND a big broad smile crossed Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford’s slightly porcine appearance.  Stay tuned Fernbrook because it looks like Fakenews is about to hit the fan.    

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Lumpy Rutherford Named Sheriff of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: Lumpy Rutherford Named Sheriff of Fernbrook Resort Freelton

 

Elroy Jetson

In an announcement that surprised just about everyone the year round vacation playground of Fernbrook Resort in Freelton elected long time resident and rumoured chief troublemaker Lumpy Rutherford to the once naked nation’s top law enforcement post. Sheriff.

The reason it was such a surprise is that few of the nation’s residents were aware an election was being run. Remarked long time resident Elroy Jetson, “I didn’t even know no election was takin’ place. I thought it was some plumfool joke for February Fools Day! Land O Goshen Chile what is this world coming to?”

“I knew about the election,” volunteered Lumpy’s resident gal pal Ms. Vaginasaurus Rex. Or V-Rex as she likes to be called. “I voted for Lumpy six times. I also voted Gary Coleman twice and one time for that empty blue box at the end of my driveway. Don’t tell Lumpy but I was really hoping the Mr. Blue Box would win.”

'I lost? What you talkin' 'bout,' asked Gary Coleman

But the Resort’s Select Committee Against TomFools (SCAT) was peeved. “We are peeved,” the committee published in a formal announcement. “Everything that is bad about Fernbrook Resort can be traced to the actions of a small group of Tom Fools. And now to elect a fool to catch all those toms, well, it’s like putting a fox in the henhouse. A really stupid fox. A stupid fox who couldn’t find the henhouse door. So you had to show the stupid fox the door. Then open the door for the fox. Push the fox through the door. Close the door after the fox. Latch the door so the fox couldn’t get out. Then nail the door shut so the fox didn’t accidentally get out before finding the hens. And you’d probably have to hang little signs around the necks of the hens so that stupid fox would recognize the hen. And maybe teach the stupid fox to read. But after that… After that… that is exactly what it is like. Exactly. A tom fool fox,” said SCAT in their scathing indictment of the election.

The final election results were tallied as follows:

Lumpy Rutherford – 9 votes

Gary Coleman – 6 votes

Mr. Blue Box – 6 votes

A large moss covered rock with a crack in it – 6 votes

Omar Sharif – 0 votes

Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Of Fernbrook Resort

An initially tearful Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford was relieved when the results were explained to him. “When I saw that Sharif had zero votes for Sheriff I thought I had lost. Because I thought zero votes was more votes than nine votes. And I regretted casting so many votes for Mr. Blue Box instead of more votes for me. But after everyone explained to me how numbers work… then I figured out that I almost won. Then they kept explaining that numbers thing and I finally realized that I did win. By six votes,” said the nation’s math whiz of a Sheriff. “Or something like that. Any number bigger than two scares me so I just close my eyes and hope it goes away.. Oh, and I would also like to congratulate that Mr. Blue Box on the race he ran. Way to go. Oh, and if I ever see you lounging around the end of my driveway again I will shoot you dead. Then, after I shoot you, I will ask you why you keep hanging around the ending of my drive way.”

"Help! HELP!! Police brutality," screamed Mr. Blue Box

Looks like Fernbrook Resort’s upstanding and law abiding element better be careful now that there’s a new sheriff in town.

“Hey, AND It’s not pronounced sher-iff its pronounced sha-rif. SHA-RIF. I’m the new Sha-Rif of Fernbrook,” yelled the new sheriff as we beat a hasty retreat.     

 

Notes: of the Resorts 261 eligible voters only 2 actually cast a ballot for a turnout percentage of less than 1%. 

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Names Mickey Mouse to 2020 Summer Olympic Team

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Names Mickey Mouse to 2020 Summer Olympic Team

In a move that surprised no one Fernbrook Resort Freelton named it’s seventeenth most popular mouse to its 2020 Summer Olympic Team and the event Mickey will be competing in is the Men’s Obnoxious Door Slamming Event. Naturally we decided to interview the mouse after the unexciting announcement was made.

And how did Mickey get involved in door slamming?

Mickey demonstrates his technique

"To be frank,I don’t like slamming home or vehicle doors at 11 PM at night, at 6 AM in the morning or any other time for that matter. But the Good Old Boys and Girls Club of Fernbrook ordered me to do it so I do it. It really cuts into my drinking time,” Mickey said with a hint of sadness in his voice. “Worse, I am so good at slamming both home and vehicle doors that I made our 2020 Summer Olympic Team.”

Then why do it we asked next? If you don’t like slamming doors.

“I do it because I don’t have the brains to think for myself,” Mickey squeaked truthfully. “What someone tells me to think I think. And what someone tells me to do I do,” he continued on, “If I were to ever think for myself it would indicate that I have a degree of spine. People might even think that I was a man and not a mouse. And that’s the last thing that I would ever want.”

Are you a male mouse at least?

“I can’t answer that on the grounds that if I do have a penis it would be an exterior one and not an exterior penis. So I really don’t know. That’s why I wear pants to hide that fact. Not like some ducks that I know.”

"Look Ma no pants!"

If we told you not to slam your doors then you would stop slamming your doors?

“I don’t think I’m supposed to answer that,” Mickey stated honestly. “The one thing I do like about slamming doors is that it disturbs all of my neighbors for no reason whatsoever than to overtly demonstrate my passive aggressive nature that I so carefully cloak.”  

So there is no joy involved in door slamming? For you at least.

Is Mickey a jerk?

“Joy is involved. But just not as much as I would like. But after reading this I think there will be a lot more joy involved. There will be non-stop door slamming. And how could joy not be involved in that?” Mickey squinted angrily.

So, basically, you’re a little bit of a jerk?

A badly slammed door

“Hey, don’t you ever call me little,” Mickey shrieked shrilly, “I can follow orders and think for myself less than any other mouse in Fernbrook. Just you watch me. You’ll see.”

And with that Mickey mouse srurried tearfully off. And as we watched Mickey scurrying off I could have sworn there was a small hand sticking out his ass controlling his every movement. . 

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Princess Pea Named to 2020 Olympic Team

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Princess Pea Named to 2020 Olympic Team

In an announcement that surprised no one Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Princess Pea was named to the 2020 Canadian Olympic Summer Team. Our very own little Princess will be participating in the Ladies Freestyle Door Slamming event.     

The Princess Phone

“I always knew that I would make the team,” said Princess Pea proudly when we reached him by phone, “no one in the whole of Fernbrook can slam a door like I can. In fact nothing makes me feel more like a spoiled little Princess than slamming my home or vehicle doors at all hours of the day and night. Unless it’s banging on my neighbor’s windows and running away. That makes me feel very princess-y too,” Princess Pea replied as he twisted his hair with his fingers.

The handiwork of a princess!

When we inquired as to the Princess’ practice regimen he had this to say: “First thing in the morning, around four to five in the AM, I like to rip off a couple of really loud slams. Just to let the neighbors know what a spoiled, self involved and inconsiderate little Princess I am,” he said. “Then I go to work. When I come home from work I do a few practice slams, down a couple brewskis, smoke a joint or two, take the pooch for a stroll, work in a couple more unnecessary door slams and then I pass out on the floor. Oftentimes in a puddle of my own vomit or urine. Sometimes both.”

“Do you ever worry that your early morning door slamming might bother your neighbors?” we asked next.

And this is where our interview took an ugly turn.

Princess Pea strikes again!

Shouted the spoiled Princess, “Anyone who complains about me slamming my doors any time of the day and night is harassing me. And my family.” He screamed. Then in a slightly lower octave Princess Pea continued, “Everyone in Fernbrook harasses me and my family. They complain about our door slamming. They complain about our twelve foot high out of control bonfires. They complain about our loud music. They complain about our messy lot and they complain about how we don’t clean up after our pooch. It’s harassment. We’ve never done any of those things. We just want to live a quiet life and we’ve been harassed since the day we’ve moved in. in fact we don’t even have any doors. Anyone who says we do is just harassing us.”

“You don’t have any doors?”

“None. Whatsoever. And anyone who says we do have doors is delusional.”

“Yes but what about the Olym– “

“Delusional,” the spoiled little Princess interrupted loudly, “Dee-loooo-shinnn-allll.”

“But!?!”

Fernbrook Resort's very own Princess Pea

“Get off my property,” Princess Pea screamed suddenly, “You’re harassing me. I’m calling the police.”

“But we’re not even on your property.”

“HELP HELP POLICE POLICE I’M BEING HARASSED I’M BEING HARASSED HELP HELP,”

“This is a phone interview. We’re not on your property.”

“QUIT USING LOGIC AND THE TRUTH TO PROVE YOUR POINT THAT’S AN EVEN WORSE HARASSMENT OF ME HELP HELP POLICE POLICE I’M BEING HARASSED I’M BEING HARASSED,” Princess Pea screamed even louder than before.

<at this point the interview with our spoiled little Princess Pea was terminated>