Fernbrook Resort Freelton: The Mystery of the Stolen Fire Ring – Solved?

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: The Mystery of the Stolen Fire Ring – Solved?

A recent Fernbrook Resort Information & News Facebook post discussed the theft of a fire ring. Following is a recreation of what may have happened. 

"Why buy or rent when you can steal?" suggested Lumpy Rutherford

“I sure wish that I had my own fire ring,” exclaimed Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s infamous Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford.

“Say,” replied Lumpy’s increasingly lumpy gal pal the red-haired Vaginasaurus Rex or V-Rex, “I know where we can get a fire ring for free. And by free I mean it won’t cost us anything because it belongs to someone else who already bought and paid for it.”

“And where would that be”? asked a noticeably excited sheriff. Excited because he enjoyed costing other people money.

“By the park pavilion is nice fire ring,” growled the ferocious V-Rex of a girl. “But if we took it for own we could say it is a belle fire ring! Because I am a belle,” she said while running her hand through her hair. 

"GROWL," growled the Vaginasaurus Rex

“Excellent, excellent,” chirped Lumpy proudly. “Let’s go get it right now because I want a fire ring right this instant. I can’t stand pat any longer. Having no fire ring. We have to get it right now! People without fire rings aren’t cool. And stealing this means we will have a fire ring which automatically makes us cool. And at no ancillary costs to us!”

“Let’s do it then,” agreed the red-haired Vaginasaurus, “because we’re the only ones in the park who can’t stand pat. Everyone else thinks pat is great!”

Is this when the fire ring was stolen?

And so that’s what Lumpy Rutherford and his Vaginasaurus Rex of a girlfriend did. Under cover of darkness they crept over to Fernbrook Resort’s much celebrated Park Pavilion and stole the fire ring. Because they were too cheap to purchase their own. And because they were a pair of spineless cowards who couldn’t stand pat. Though everyone else thought pat was just fine and dandy.

“Tomorrow let’s have a fire,” Lumpy announced. “All our friends can come,” he said, “both of them.”

“Oh that sounds like an excellent idea,” agreed the red-headed V-Rex, “Does a stuffed dog wearing a banana suit count as a friend? ‘Cause then we would have three friends.”

“Mmmmmm,” sheriff Lumpy mused sadly, “I hate to tell you this but I was counting that as a friend. A close friend. Who I like a lot. A real lot. Do you ever think you might want to dress in a dog costume when I’m feeling amorous?”

“Do I? I think about it all the time,” replied V-Rex enthusiastically. “And perhaps you could dress like Carmen Miranda?” she added tentatively.

“I do have a Carmen Miranda costume,” said Lumpy. “I like to put it on and walk around the house when no one else can see me. It makes me feel more sheriff-y.”

“Do the bananas in the cornucopia cap make you jealous? Because I really like bananas. I honestly haven’t seen any sort of banana since I quit doing late night adult features,” she sighed sadly.

“It’s not my fault, it’s your fault,” Sheriff Lumpy screamed at V-Rex. “If you would dye your hair blonde my pint-sized gherkin might get some dill in it. I can’t stand gingers. They creep me out!”

I would never dye for red hair!

That is where this story ends. The mystery of the stolen fire ring solved. For once and for all. For the stolen fire ring rests behind the parking tent on the property of Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford. And his vicious red haired lump of a Vaginasaurus Rex. Who when they saw the fire ring stole it because they couldn’t stand pat. Though everyone else could.

? (Question mark)

   

Fernbrook Resort Freelton – Home to One Family’s Most Cherished Tomfool

Fernbrook Resort Freelton – Home to One Family’s Most Cherished Tomfool   

Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford, Fernbrook Resort's Most Cherished Tomfool?

Dedicated fans of Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Lumpy Rutherford were extremely pleased to learn a little bit about our well respected Sheriff. So pleased that we decided to speak to the esteemed lawman’s proud Papa Mister Rutherford.

Are you pleased,” we asked, “with your son Lumpy’s behavior? referencing his proclivity for urinating on the handles of car doors owned by personal friends?

Lumpy Rutherford's father "Mister"

“Really, really pleased,” replied his doting Dad. “Urinating on people’s private property and evacuating our bowels into our own cupboards at home is a well practiced family tradition. A practice our ancestors brought with them to this new land when we were forcibly exiled.”

Good heavens… you mean to say –  

“I guess not all people enjoy finding lumps of human feces in their kitchen cupboards of a home they graciously sublet. Or learning that a beloved sheriff walks around in the middle of the night urinating on the car doors of native Fernbrookians.”

Ewwwwww!!!!!

 

“That’s not the only reason we’re so proud of our son. Upholding our most cherished family tradition.”

Oh? Please… continue… 

I dyed for a Tomfool

“More importantly our son Lumpy is, in no uncertain terms, a certified Tomfool. Mrs. Rutherford and I never dreamed such a thing would be possible for the boy… but he has exceeded our expectations. And it makes us so happy and so proud,” he continued with a tear in his eye, “Lumpy went from being a fake OPP officer for eighteen years, to driving a school bus in his bathrobe in the middle of the day to, eventually, becoming a Sheriff in a lawless resort town. YET still having the time to maintain our family traditions for future generations of our clan. He is not just our family’s most dedicated tomfool he is also a tom in all the ways such a word can be defined.”

Capital summation to an awkward discussion we thought as we walked away. Capital!          

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: “It’s Not Wrong Give our Neighbor’s Car a Golden Shower!”

Fernbrook Resort Freelton: “It’s Not Wrong Give our Neighbor’s Car a Golden Shower!”

"Does anyone see a good vehicle?" Sheriff Rutherford asked his companions.

Recently we learned that Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s beloved Sheriff, Lumpy Rutherford, admitted to travelling all the way to neighboring London to urinate on a passenger car door handle.

So impressed were we with his candor that we decided to speak with Lumpy’s mom and get her take on her Sheriff/son’s behavior.

Lumpy Rutherford's proud mommy?

“I’m not surprised,” said Mrs. Rutherford, “Lumpy has always had an extremely overactive bladder. As a child he actually made his own waterbed. Every single night. Well… we told him it was water. But it wasn’t really. If you know what I mean,” she sighed sadly.

Continuing on Mrs. Rutherford added, “As a child he would urinate all over his toy cars. He would creep out late at night and relieve himself on our neighbor’s vehicles. And whenever we passed a car lot, new or used, he would get so excited that he was unable to control himself. It wasn’t until his early twenties that he could exercise any semblance of self control and we could wean him off adult diapers and put him in ‘Big Boy’ pants.”

“Then there was the day he became a real fake police officer. We were so proud of him. Solving that crime about the doughnut holes. We really thought he was starting to grow up. To mature. But, unfortunately, he was still unable to control his bladder,” she remarked sadly, “he was caught urinating all over police cars and vans as well as private citizens who stopped by the station.”

Lumpy Rutherford's personal call sign?

“Finally, after 18 years, Lumpy left the police by mutual agreement, they agreed not to press charges and he agreed to forgo a pension. Eventually he ended up in Fernbrook Resort. Where he was named Sheriff. But even that didn’t cure his predilection for urinating on people’s cars. As London found out. But I am proud of my son. Because legally speaking he is my son. So I have to be proud of his behavior. Even though it reflects on my poor parenting skills… and my overall failure to raise a child to adulthood. People who know my son consider him to be a complete and utter Tomfool… and I can’t argue against him acting like a fool or being a Tom.” 

"I would dye for a golden shower from Lumpy"

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Publicly Caught with Pants Down

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Publicly Caught with Pants Down

Say it ain't so Lumpy!

Late last night it was learned that Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s famous Sheriff, Lumpy Rutherford, was accused of being in a public place with his pants down. And what was our respected Sheriff allegedly doing with his pants down in public? It was alleged to us that he was urinating on the door handle of a car. In public.

Is this allegation true?

Though we have witnesses to this alleged tomfool act we decided instead to talk to Sheriff Rutherford to get the final word. And the Sheriff’s final word was? “Yes.”

Surprised by both his candor and his honesty, two traits we have not previously witnessed in our Sheriff, we pressed him for details.

“Well,” said the mildly obese Sheriff who smells like fried bacon, “I thought we had a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ policy here in Fernbrook when it came to the many crimes I’ve committed here in the Resort. But since you’ve asked, instead of telling you, I’ll brag about it. Because bragging not’s telling. And also because I can commit whatever crimes I want here in Fernbrook and no one will ever speak up to stop me. NO ONE!”

Not the actual door handle - picture changed to protect the infringed upon.

Continued the Sheriff: “Fernbrookians might be worried that I released a stream of hot salty urine on their car door handle but don’t worry, I went all the way over to London to piss on a passenger car door handle. London,” Sheriff Rutherford confirmed.

“Now some people may be wondering what on earth would possess me to piss on someone’s car door handle and the answer is simple – it’s how us superior beings publicly demonstrate our personal superiority over all the rest of Fernbrook’s residents. I am better than all of you,” purred the Sheriff proudly.

London Prior to the Stinky Stream of Urine  

“Best of all it’s a perfectly sane and rational act. After all isn’t that how animals mark their territory? With streams of pungent urine? So with my almost cat-like IQ it makes perfect sense for me to do it. But I don’t just piss on car door handles I also like to leave human feces in my kitchen cupboard. If you don’t believe me you can ask my old landlord. I left several deposits for him to find. But for the moment I would prefer to stick to the topic at hand – pissing on car door handles of London.”

"My urine doesn't stink," claims Sheriff Rutherford 

Actually I think that we’ve heard quite enough.

“But I’m not done,” said the Sheriff, “I’ve pissed on other things – “   

More than enough actually.                    

“HEY,” shouted Sheriff Rutherford as we backed slowly away, “What kind of car do you drive? WHAT KIND OF CAR? Come back here… Don’t you run away from me! Hey! HEY!”

As we ran away we couldn’t resist a look back, however, and saw our benighted Sheriff Rutherford fumbling with his belt buckle.    

"I would dye for Sheriff Rutherford!"

IS Fernbrook Resort Freelton Being Harassed By Dutchman’s Gold Honey? Or Their Employee(s)?

IS Fernbrook Resort Freelton Being Harassed By Dutchman’s Gold Honey? Or An/Their Employee(s)?

This is a question followed by a Statement of Facts.

In March of  2020 a white van began parking in a neighborhood of Fernbrook Resort located in Freelton. The generously proportioned dark haired driver of the vehicle was seen to be slamming his doors in a manner deemed by residents to be excessively loud and unnecessary especially so VERY early in the morning.   

This white van was traced to a local business known as the ‘Honey Farm’ operated by Dutchman’s Gold Honey of Carlisle, Ontario.

A resident notified Dutchman’s Gold Honey of Carlisle, Ontario of the incident via their web portal.

Following this notification sides of homes were banged on and loud thumpings and bangings occurred. All in the very early morning hours.

A resident again notified Dutchman’s Gold Honey of Carlisle, Ontario of the incident via their web portal.

  

Immediately after this notification the white van disappeared from the neighborhood. And, at the time the van disappeared, so too did the door slams and other nocturnal disturbances.

Recently that same white van that was traced to the Honey Farm owned by Dutchman’s Gold of Carlisle, Ontario has returned to this same neighborhood.

Since the return of this white van there has been a theft, a tire slashing and the nocturnal disturbances have returned i.e. banging on homes and loud noises.

No one has seen who is responsible for any of these petty criminal acts.

But it has been noticed that when criminal acts so listed have occurred that this same white van owned by no one in the neighborhood has been present.

Is it coincidence?

Which leads to the question is Dutchman’s Gold Honey of Carlisle, Ontario, or one or more of their employees, harassing residents or the entire Fernbrook Resort?

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Accused of Harassment & Bullying

Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Accused of Harassment & Bullying

This year several accusations of harassment, bullying and generally vexatious behavior were leveled against Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford Fernbrook Resort’s leading lawman. The allegations were made when a certain mathematical correlation was computed. Whenever Lumpy takes a winter vacation the harassment, bullying, trespassing, vandalism and the like completely abate. Abate until his return, When such behaviors begin anew. We reached out to Sheriff Rutherford to get his side of the story.

“It’s true,” admitted the Sheriff, “but I have thought up several excuses to prove why there is a sudden downtrend in Fernbrook Resort’s crime statistics whenever I’m not around to commit a crime.”

“For starters,” continued the Sheriff, “this year my girl fiend, the infamous female bully the ‘Red-headed Vaginasaurus Rex’ and I went on a trip to Mexico. During our absence there was no crime in Fernbrook. And we can explain why that was. The criminals were in Mexico.”

Thank you Mexico for that brief respite!

“Ummmm… so you were in Mexico… and the criminals were in Mexico… but you aren’t the one harassing and bullying Fernbrook’s residents?”

“Exactly,” agreed the Sheriff, “the criminals must have followed us there and then followed us back when we returned. And started committing crimes again. To make me look guilty. Because those criminal people are super dupery smart.”   

“Huh!?! At best that sounds like specious reasoning.”

“I don’t know what words like reasoning or specious mean… but it sounds like you don’t believe me. So I made up other excuses just to be supery dupery safe. As a policing person I know more about the law than anyone. And the law says that if you don’t like someone than you’re allowed to bully and harass them and it’s not against the law. In fact it means that you’re really cool.”

“So you admit then that you’re harassing residents of Fernbrook Resort?”

“You’re making it sound like a crime.”

“Because harassment… trespassing, bullying… there all crimes. And as a pretend Sheriff who was a fake cop for almost 18 years you should know better.

“Well, I don’t know better,” nodded Sheriff Rutherford, “and not only that you don’t either because if you did know better you would remember that I just made up a new super duper special law that harassment isn’t a crime if you don’t like the victim.”

“It sounds like you’re caught up in semantics.”  

"I never realized my brain was so big!," remarked Lumpy

“If you keep using big words that I don’t understand than I’m going to have to arrest you!”

“CAT.”

“That’s it… you’re under arrest.”

“Aren’t you the same Lumpy Rutherford who donated his brain to science and now they’re using it as a doorstop in their science cafeteria.”

“That’s IT! Now you’re under super duper arrest!!!”

 

"I'm a dyed in the wool Lumpy Rutherford fan!"

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Loses Lawsuit, Donates ‘Brain’ to Science

Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s Sheriff Loses Lawsuit, Donates ‘Brain’ to Science

"I honestly thought I was smarter than a cat!" declared Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford.

After several acrimonious legal meetings that ran late into the night Fernbrook Resort Freelton’s famous Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford finally capitulated. No doubt you’ll recall that our Sheriff Rutherford was being sued by Fernbrook’s powerful Feline Population after claiming to be as smart as a cat. On the advice of his legal team, Sheriff Lumpy has finally agreed to publicly admit that he spoke in error. That, in fact, he is not as smart as a cat.

“It’s true,” admitted Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford, “I am not as smart as a cat. But that doesn’t mean that I’m dumb. On the contrary. It means that Fernbrook’s cat population is just incredibly smart. And if cats are smarter than me then there can be no doubt that they are smarter than everyone else… even that red-headed terror the vicious Vaginasaurus Rex.”

“And when did you come to the realization that Fernbrook’s cats are smarter than yourself?”

Does anyone know how to work this darn thing?

“Well, I couldn’t sleep as a result of Princess Pea’s incessant door slamming. So I got up to watch some TV. There was this movie on that showed a cat flushing a toilet. That one with Robert De Niro. And that’s when the truth hit home. Because I have trouble working that complicated toilet mechanism. Sometimes I even forget to lift the lid and boy oh boy does that ever make V-Rex growl. But the cat could do everything so easily…” Sheriff Lumpy trailed off. “That’s when I knew I had to admit that I was wrong.”

But that wasn’t all that Sheriff Rutherford had to say.

 

Cafeteria's new doorstop under 12X magnification

“As part of the settlement the King of the Cats, Mittens Cuddlekin, insisted that I immediately donate my brain to science. As I don’t appear to be making much use of it. Which I quickly agreed to. It took me a while to find someone who needed a special brain like mine. I went to all these science places and talked to the science people and finally I found one who could make use of it. I guess the door of their science cafeteria needs help remaining open and a brain with my unusual degree of intelligence is exactly what they need to solve the problem. By wedging my brain against the door, kind of like a doorstop, the door will be able to remain constantly open and the science people will be able to walk quickly in and out without having to worry about trying to figure out that complicated door opening thing.”

“You’re… talking about the door’s push bar?”

“I think that’s what they call it. Whatever it is it sure is tricky. I sure hope they don’t put them on toilets… because then only the smart science people would be able to use them.”

     

“I don’t think we have to worry about that.”

“You may not have to worry about it,” finished Sheriff Rutherford, “But when you have a brain as special as mine… these are the kinds of things that you keep you up at night.”       

"Do my drapes match my carpet? No need to ask,  I'll just show you!"