Fernbrook Resort Freelton Sheriff Rutherford Sued By Local
Cat Population
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| I do consider myself to be as smart as a cat," confirmed Sheriff Lumpy. |
Early this morning Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford, Fernbrook
Resort’s leading lawman, was served by the leader of the nation’s cat
population with a notice that he was being sued as a result of some comments he
made where he claimed to be ‘as smart as a cat’.
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| Look what the cat coughed up! |
“When I heard that,” said Mittens Cuddlekin, King of the
Resort’s persuasively powerful feline lobby, “I coughed up an extremely large
hairball. I could not believe that this dunderheaded sheriff could claim such a
thing. As smart as a cat! Really! That statement is completely untrue. Not only
is Lumpy Rutherford not as smart as a cat… neither is he is smart as a dog. A mouse.
Or even one of those stupid egg laying duckbilled platypus. And that’s saying
something. Said statement is defamatory to our individual and our collective
intelligence. So I had to sue. But not just to protect the good name of cats…
but also to defend the reputation of all the animal kingdom. Because quite
honestly I’ve had more intelligent conversations with old rotted boards filled
with rusty nails and… and… ”
When asked what in particular had so completely miffed the
cat population King Mittens Cuddlekin replied, “Well, for starters, he likes to
get women alone and then yell and swear at them and generally intimidate them. No
feline would ever verbally assault or bully a primary caregiver. Especially if
they have long nails to scratch our backs with.”
“That’s it?”
“Oh, there’s more,” continued King Mittens, “lot’s more. Cats
don’t run around in the middle of the night banging on windows or on the sides
of homes and then running away. Or make loud thumping noises or… or other
stupid childish behaviors. Linking this type of behavior to feline intelligence
is diminishing to us… it is completely beyond the pale. We will not stand for
this.”
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| King Mittens Cuddlekin III of Fernbrook Resort |
“Has Sheriff Rutherford responded yet?”
“That Tom Fool won’t be able to respond until someone reads it
to him. He’s probably still trying to figure out how to open the envelope,”
Cuddlekin purred, “Maybe he should borrow his appalling buddy’s tire slashing
knife. I sure hope he doesn’t cut himself. NOT!” King Mittens meowed loudly.
“And what do you expect to gain from this legal action?”
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| A two week old cat litter box. |
Replied King Mittens Cuddlekin, “Initially we were hoping
for monetary damages… but you can’t get cat food from a stone, so we just want
everyone to know that that tom fool Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford is nit now and
will not ever be as smart as a cat. As such we are politely requesting of him
to cease and desist all such comparisons. He, and all you bipeds, need to
understand that it’s not that cats aren’t smart enough to do stupid things it’s
that we’re smart enough NOT to do them. In fact we would never even think of
doing such things. Cats don’t bull, cats don’t harass and it is common
knowledge that a feline never lies. Except in front of a warm toasty fire on a
cold day. Essentially we want everyone to know that Sheriff Lumpy Rutherford is
completely full of two week old cat litter.”
